Went to Church for the first time since I was a kid. I really don’t buy into organized religion, I know it works for some people just like AA works for some, but not me. I went on Thursday to a ladies meeting they have like a block from my house to meet people and eat free food and get free childcare for a couple hours and it was huge. There were like fifty women there with a band and a big screen and speakers. It was like a god party. I got signed up for a bible study class about all the different names of god. I’m really interested and everyone was nice but all the praying made me uncomfortable. I don’t want to offend anyone but I don’t pray, or have an active “God is with me Brother” kind of outlook. I got baptized as a kid because I was told to, not because of any special relationship with Jesus or John? Does John count as anything? John The Baptist right? Oh man, they are gonna find me out and burn me at the stake.
If this is what a ladies’ group is like, what is real church like? I used to work as a home health aid before nursing school and I had a handi-capped woman I took to church on sundays. I sat with her through the whole thing at a Pentecostal church. I’m glad for them that they were so filled with the holy spirit, but I don’t see myself becoming possessed and speaking in tongues or rolling around on the floor. I was a little offended when a woman asked for prayers to close her most recent real estate deal. Is that really something you should be praying to GOD about? Isn’t that vanity or something? Whatever it is I didn’t.
I remember my last prayer to God as a child. I was laying on my mother’s bed and the sun was shining through the window onto me. It was warm. I was asking why He made me stay here on earth with all this pain, why wouldn’t He just take me to heaven and make it all go away. I was begging to die and He would not help me and I couldn’t do it myself. I had tried in the bathtub. It sounds sad but it was not asked in sad way. I don’t remember being depressed as a child but I was not usually happy either. Hateful is a word frequently used when I was a kid. Anyhow that is the last time I recall having a personal relationship with God.