I’m getting exhausted forcing happiness down my throat, I just keep faking the steps and doing things I know I enjoy doing. One problem with this is there are a lot of crappy DIY projects in my life now. The single coaster I never finished staining and the sweater I cut the sleeves off of haphazardly. Now there is a lovely painted box on my desk with very poorly done script painted on it, also each end is painted a different color because I changed my mind halfway through and didn’t feel like fixing it. Failures aside, my day was not all bad, I did force myself to blog. It really does decompress the madness to get it all out. And as someone once said to me ‘It’s my blog, if I wanna bitch here I can” haha. I already feel like maybe fixing my garden box.
It seems like if I could reach down deep enough into my soul and bring forth some of the darkness and get it written down, then I would be free. But I can’t even think of anything profound today, nothing funny either. It’s getting harder to find the humor and humor is what keeps me going.
Another project; a shelf to put things on. Made from coffee cans and old fence pieces. Busywork for the overbusy mind. Though a little flimsy to hold too many books it is keeping my drawing pencils out of my 10 year olds reach.
The dragon has been fed and is nourishing itself on every little tidbit, before long it will be fully awake and the real battle will begin. I hope I come through this with myself intact. It took a long time to get over the last big one, I’m not even sure this is a big one. Maybe I’ll see the doc friday and she’ll adjust my meds and I’ll be peachy by Saturday. Nothing beats that new med buzz. That first two weeks they start kickin in and everything is shiny and bright, the world at your fingertips and it slowly fades into normalcy. Ah normal life with no exaggerated moods and emotions, sounds peaceful and serene. Like floating in the water staring up at the clouds. I think with some flowers floating in the water too, making it smell good. I probably saw that in a movie. I think I could go on and on but I really shouldn’t.