The Long Slow Spiral Again

I am not rapid cycling typically, I’m more of a yearly cycler or even longer one way or the other.  Definitely at least several months.  The thing about being diagnosed is the meds trigger cycles when they are changed or wear off.  Right now I can feel the dragon rearing his ugly head and sniffing around for something to feed on.  I can’t seem to help it but I am feeding it.  I find myself enjoying sad and tragic music, wallowing in it feels somehow satisfying-like picking a scab, it just feels good.  Depression feel good?  In the beginning it can be a relief to finally just let go, stop fighting it so hard and take a few deep sobbing breaths.  The tears are like a release valve and once started they come easier and easier.  The paranoia eases because you don’t really care if the world is ending or there are cameras everywhere.  Come and take me, I am ready is so much easier than battling a fire breathing dragon that lives within you.  I need spring and sunshine to break me out of the funk I’ve let myself get into.  A good dose of vitamin D,  I should get out the beach chair and lay naked with my unshaven legs in the cloudy cold winter.Face_in_the_Pool-Knight_Fighting_Dragon

I am in the midst of a med increase and another again in two weeks.  I hope they act quickly because once the dragon starts burning I won’t have any hope for a while.  Right now I take lithium, Effexor, abilify, lamictal and an occasional dose of trazadone.  Effexor has been increased and will again in two weeks, the lamictal is new though I’ve taken it before, it will also increase in two weeks.  All good meds and they are helping or I’d be in hell by now I know.  Sometimes I wonder if calling myself bipolar and recognizing all things bipolar about me is a good thing.  Does that in itself feed the dragon?  It’s certainly therapeutic when I’m feeling good.  Perhaps I’m wallowing too much and obsessing about an illness that is only ten or fifteen or forty percent fatal. People don’t even understand that I am fighting a battle for my sanity and my very life.  Wrenching my soul away from that dragon is the hardest battle of my life.  And I’m tired right now.Brains scans  I need someone to hold me up and I feel so isolated from everyone and everything in my life.  It’s a vicious circle.  I have a girlfriend who is bipolar who I wish I could turn to,  she expresses genuine concern for me but man she’s nuts and I don’t want sucked into some drama.  I wonder if people see me that way?  The nutty chic who’s bipolar.  And what does anyone who is not bipolar have any right even saying bipolar?  They don’t fucking know the dragon, never felt it.  Did they ever lay in bed as a child praying to God to take them away?  Fuck No!  Who but another bipolar person would even come close to understanding the pain?  All these people on Prozac because they think they are depressed, you haven’t been depressed until you can’t remember how to spell your name or how to clean yourself.  I’m sad because my job sucks doesn’t even come close, don’t you dare compare yourself to me.  I’ll stop now.  I feel for them I really do.

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