I’ve taken on the community garden while I was in better spirits. Not just joined, I’m running it. Obsessing over spreadsheets and drawing maps is kind of my thing, but people skills not so much. I don’t know how to lead. I know this because I used to be a nurse and leading is a job requirement, there are lots of patients and nurses aids who need told what to do in a diplomatic way and when they don’t comply….? That’s where my poor people skills comes into play. I back off, and become a pushover, people walk all over me. And aggressive people, oh man, a strong opinionated woman will reduce me to tears so easily. I just want to crawl under a rock and die just thinking about it. I love gardening and I took it on because I was told there was no interest, so it was supposed to be just me and a big ol’ garden plot to play with. Now people are coming out of the woodwork going “We should do this” or “Have you done that”? I don’t know what to do, I am in way over my head and on a downslide to boot. I’m pretty sure I could do it drunk if I didn’t pass out every time I got drunk. If I was someone else I could do it, but I am me.
I sorted my pills today in a little organizer like I used to when I was on so many for my last depressive episode. I am very practiced at it because I used to do the same thing for my own patients. Now I’m the patient. Talk about a role reversal. I once worked a behavioral unit right after they closed the only mental hospital in the area. I hope I neer end up there. I’m pretty good natured in my mania, anger comes with the depression but it has never been unmanageable.
Anyhoo-gardening-soothing to the soul. All communication so far have been through facebook. I like to think I can pass off as normal in writing pretty easily but in face to face conversation I am a little more than quirky. It takes me a while to open up to someone and just be myself so I am very hesitant and soft spoken in speech as well as having body language that doesn’t portray confidence. Though I am sitting taller as I type that. It doesn’t help that the meds make me so stupid. I’ll forget a conversation mid-sentence and have to ask what we were talking about, and when I took Lexapro I couldn’t spell for shit. Nothing comes off as dumb as poor spelling. Thank god for spellcheck. And off I go again. Can’t stay on topic- did I mention that? The bipolar mind just doesn’t work like other people’s. We have loose word associations and memories are triggered more easily by things like smells. But I’ve never had a rhyming spell. Haha. It has always been a struggle for me to carry on conversation. People want you to look them in the eye and this makes me severely uncomfortable so I come off as uninterested or just weird because I keep trying and looking away. I often misinterpret what someone is saying and turn a conversation in a whole new direction and they are left confused and again I come off as weird. When manic I often curse a lot and say inappropriate things or just can’t stay on topic. I interrupt because I am so excited about something I just thought of. The heightened emotional states that go along with bipolar disorder make it difficult to relate with other people and have them understand the depth of your feeling. It’s like we even have a larger deeper soul than other people. Greater passion and equally great sadness.