Heading Back Uphill

Feeling today like I have been wallowing a bit too much, like I actually have control over it again.  I’m optimistic about my garden project despite the fact that the women are already piddling.  I take a deep breath and feel like I can be strong and assertive and get their asses in gear and accomplish something.  I’m antsy to start seeds in pots but I know it is too early and they will get leggy before going into the plastic tent I call a greenhouse.

Strangely enough I went out and bought an electric space heater to replace the kerosene one in my office space and a few days later I’m feeling better.  Maybe it was carbon monoxide eating at my brain.  I was so cold I’d sit right in front of it like we were lovers on a Friday night parking session.  Is that just something all bipolar people do, make excuses and find other causes, blame the meds and such? Speaking of carbon monoxide….I was pulling the car into the garage the other day and shut the door before turning the car off,  and just left it like that while I pondered death by co2.  Scared the crap outta myself.  There is no way I can write that off as passive suicidal ideation.  It only lasted a few minutes and now I feel like it was another person thinking those thoughts.  Certainly not the state of mind I’m in today.  Today sucked in all aspects but I feel good.  Yes I said it, Good.  I’m running on just a few hours sleep so my body and mind are tired but my emotional state is good. There.  I said it again and was not struck by lightning.  Now to get to great.  That would be the next logical step on the roller coaster that is my life.  No sinking back down in the dumps for me and my soul, no sirree.  If these damn garden bitches didn’t always have some opinion or other and I could stop racking my rain for proper social protocol when in a leadership position with a bunch of military wives whose husbands outrank yours.  How awkward as a specialist’s wife to have to tell a master whatever’s wife to quit nattering and pull weeds.  Delicately I think.


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