I’m up all night alone because when I go to sleep I know I will wake up and all of my life will be there to deal with so much more quickly. The time goes by when I sleep in a flash and if I can just stay up I can have some peace without a baby in my arms or dishes to do or floors to sweep. I can breath at night when they are all peacefully dreaming and I am not. I believe I am falling apart from lack of sleep and I am so tired, but to roll over and go to sleep is just something I cannot do. My stomach drops and my heart pitter pats, a little anxiety at going back to it all. The middle of the night is like a whole new world to me, a world free of responsibility and the pressure of the daylight hours. I don’t want to lose this time when I can think and do things for myself. Things like write my blog or paint or just look at funny pictures on Bing. I know this isn’t healthy and I have explained to my husband why I am up all night but it is so hard for him to give me time to myself, after he gets home from a long day at work, with all the stress that goes along with life as a soldier. To just sit here and breath with no demands on me rejuvenates and leaves room for that life.
There is anxiety involved, will the baby wake up? Will hubby come out wanting to know what the hell I am doing? Will my oldest have a bad dream and need to cuddle? I resent these things, this is my time. It’s not that I don’t love and treasure my family. I don’t think so. I feel I love them and I feel some guilt about this time alone. I have tried to stay in bed and sleep until the alarm, but my mind starts churning about all those things that are waiting for me with potentially no distractions. Following through on a goal or even just having a complete train of thought feels like a whole separate life where it’s just me and my needs. It would be a good thing but I’m so god-damned tired all day, the price I am paying is totally worth it. Just drink more coffee in the morning.