It is a harsh world out there. I hate leaving the house most days for fear that something won’t go right or I will react poorly to a normal social situation. I can start the day in a great mood but just one thing, one trigger, can end my good mood and send me down the spiral. It makes me feel weak just thinking about it. I need a sturdier soul, I think. How do you turn down these disproportionate emotional responses. I can tell myself “It’s not me, it’s the dragon inside me” all I want but that doesn’t take the pain away. It almost justifies it. Do I cop-out? Do I use bipolar as an excuse not to do things? I think sometimes I do. It is so much easier to say “I don’t feel up to it” than to do something hard. I feel in control of my own life in my home, where everything is just so and everyone is so forgiving of my faults. No one judges me here, they just love me.
Should I be trying to work? In an environment where someone else is in control of my day and there is a constant requirement of human contact? It has been a while since I worked, almost 18 months. I feel more stability in my life and more control of my emotions than I ever have. Is that because I don’t have that extra stress in my life? We could definitely use the extra income as I used to be the primary breadwinner in our home. I always compulsively worked, I was also a mess. I’m sure I could handle the pressure for a time, but I fear triggering another breakdown. I fear people in general but also disappointing people when I make a mistake or the reaction if someone finds out I’m bipolar. By find out, I mean one day I’m hypomanic and decide I’m proud to be bipolar and tell everyone. I can’t stand the judgment in people’s eyes, most days.
At times I am so strong. I have been through so much and persevered, I am like a rock, the waves just break against me. Overall I think that this is who I am. My weaknesses originate with my bipolar disorder. Drug and alcohol addictions in my past were me self-medicating. Poor decision making came during mania, and it was my very strength that enabled me to see those bad decisions through until I was strong enough to break free. My strength kept me from ever pulling the trigger. I