Is this how “normal” people feel? Are all these meds keeping me down? Or are they keeping me from being really down? Are they keeping me from being happy? Am I overmedicated again? I miss hypomania and the high that goes along with it. Is this what all ‘bipolar’ people go through? Why we are notorious for not being med-compliant? I take my meds religiously to keep from being depressed but it is nagging at me that they are keeping me from being happy too. The doctors don’t want me to be manic and full-blown mania is uncomfortable but a little touch of hypomania would be nice, I have things to do. Things I used to want to do. Am I depressed? Am I dysthymic and should just get used to it. Is this blah existence is just what the average joe feels day to day. Am I burnt out on normal from all the time I spent abnormally happy. Did the chemicals in my brain fry the circuits that make dysthymia satisfying. Did I fry my own circuits with drugs and alcohol? Life as a housewife is a far cry from life in the titty bar, is my perception of life permanently tainted by the years I spent wrapped up in all that drama and excitement? Does everything seem drab because there is no mirror-ball sending sparkles everywhere? Would I feel better if everyone wore glitter eyeshadow and cotton candy perfume? No I think that would make me sick. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want my life to be a drug induced blur. But isn’t it now? I just have a prescription bottle for my drugs now. Who am I? Am I a person, am I myself if my mood is continuously altered with drugs, one way or another? Fear of depression keeps me taking my meds, but I have a growing fear of never being really happy or excited again. Is my idea of happy really what happy is? Is it a disproportionately unrealistic perception of happiness brought on by phases of unmanaged hypomania? I had my first non-compliance ever with my meds yesterday. I didn’t take my lamictal in the morning, just to see if it is what has been making me so tired. I was still tired so I’ll take it today. Maybe. I don’t really know. I think I’ll try another day.