Questions Questions

Is this how “normal” people feel?  Are all these meds keeping me down? Or are they keeping me from being really down?  Are they keeping me from being happy?  Am I overmedicated again?  I miss hypomania and the high that goes along with it.  Is this what all ‘bipolar’ people go through?  Why we are notorious for not being med-compliant?  I take my meds religiously to keep from being depressed but it is nagging at me that they are keeping me from being happy too.  The doctors don’t want me to be manic and full-blown mania is uncomfortable but a little touch of hypomania would be nice, I have things to do.  Things I used to want to do.  Am I depressed?  Am I dysthymic and should just get used to it.  Is this blah existence is just what the average joe feels day to day.  Am I burnt out on normal from all the time I spent abnormally happy.  Did the chemicals in my brain fry the circuits that make dysthymia satisfying.question bubble  Did I fry my own circuits with drugs and alcohol?  Life as a housewife is a far cry from life in the titty bar, is my perception of life permanently tainted by the years I spent wrapped up in all that drama and excitement?  Does everything seem drab because there is no mirror-ball sending sparkles everywhere?  Would I feel better if everyone wore glitter eyeshadow and cotton candy perfume?  No I think that would make me sick.  I don’t want to go back there.  I don’t want my life to be a drug induced blur.  But isn’t it now?  I just have a prescription bottle for my drugs now.  Who am I?  Am I a person, am I myself if my mood is continuously altered with drugs, one way or another?  Fear of depression keeps me taking my meds, but I have a growing fear of never being really happy or excited again.  Is my idea of happy really what happy is?  Is it a disproportionately unrealistic perception of happiness brought on by phases of unmanaged hypomania?  I had my first non-compliance ever with my meds yesterday.  I didn’t take my lamictal in the morning, just to see if it is what has been making me so tired.  I was still tired so I’ll take it today.  Maybe.  I don’t really know.  I think I’ll try another day.

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8 thoughts on “Questions Questions

  1. I have these questions all the time… it seems that life was much more exciting when I wasn’t medicated save for lots and lots of alcohol and the accompanying sex and drugs.

    But when I’m doing really well I realize that what I think is a little boring now is in fact better, and I am taking care of myself. And my life isn’t boring if I get involved. If I am depressed, I tend to get detached and really tired. So even though I sound brainwashed try and think of yourself as if you were mothering yourself, what would you do for you?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t even imagine what you are dealing with. My heart goes out to you.

    The closest thing I have felt, was after I separated from my husband of 20 some years.

    I didn’t realize that what I had been feeling was depression and the short bursts of joy (what felt like manic) was not “normal” either… I felt like a yo-yo.

    What is normal anyway? After my divorce I literally “felt” my brain. I was trying to describe it to my therapist. It was as if I had been living in a fog for 20 years and my brain had been numb. Then all of the sudden I felt it. The fog lifted.

    I understand about the chemical imbalances and wiring… Not necessarily how they work but how they impact us.

    I can see why people become non-compliant with meds too, and why they self medicate. Trying to find the balance that feels right.

    I am living a more “even” existence now. Not numb, not overly excited/energized. I feel like Goldilocks… Everything is just “right”. I still get depressed from time to time but I haven’t felt that numb feeling in a long time. I’ll take it! I am accepting this as my new normal.

    I hope that you will be able to find peace with your new normal. I guess my point is that “normal” is an individual definition. We can’t let others define that for us… We just have to be able to live with our own definition of it.

    I enjoy reading your blog. It helps me know that I am not alone… I’ll continue sending peaceful energy in your direction. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have BP and recognise all those questions. The answers are harder to come by though. Support meetings with others in the same positon help some. But it does seem like I go down the same road over and over…

    Liked by 1 person

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