PTSD From Your Own Actions? More Questions

Can you suffer from PTSD from traumatic things you did to yourself during a manic or depressed episode or even your behavior when using or drinking?  I personally cannot play cards because that is what I did during my heavy cocaine years.  I am averse to any situation that reminds me of using.  I also wonder if things that happened when I was drunk have left me a little oversensitive to certain situations.  Promiscuousness and overall bad decisions when I was boozing flash in my brain from time to time.  In a very uncomfortable way.  I really just want to forget those times in my life.  I feel haunted in a way by my own ghosts.  Will my own actions haunt me for the rest of my life?  How do you come to terms with these memories?  Is PTSD treatment the way to go?  Is it not traumatic?  Is this common and I just don’t know about it?  Do the things I don’t remember influence my day to day life and I don’t even realize it? Is it my fault, is all the guilt warranted?  Am I blaming myself for things out of my control?  Do you blame a cancer patient who waited to get diagnosed?

If someone has an illness that goes untreated for a long time does that make the illness worse?  It seems like I read somewhere that every time you cycle it is worse and that bipolar also grows worse with age. Have I doomed myself to a raging madness in my old age by not seeking help sooner?  What is the difference between being diagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder-recurring and Bipolar?  Being amped up on antidepressants for years kept me in a continuous hypo-manic/manic cycle and then I had the biggest depressive episode I have ever experienced.  Was the intensity and length of that depressive episode in direct relation to my years on strictly antidepressants with no mood stabilizers?  Is there an emotional price to pay for every happy moment? God I hope not.

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3 thoughts on “PTSD From Your Own Actions? More Questions

  1. Guilt is such a powerful impact to the decisions we make. Guilt implies shame, and sometimes shame is good, because it means we actually care. Sometimes, it’s important for us to remember that our past actions have brought us to where we are today, but there can be a positive to it all – we can remember what those decisions have done and make a decision not to do them again. Life is always moving, always evolving and always changing, there are no absolutes, but we can always choose what we will do about it all.

    I hope these feelings find a way out; because I’m dealing with my own guilt right now, and I can tell you that it isn’t fun.

    Liked by 1 person

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