Climbing up out of that deep dark hole that is my depression, I find myself wanting to blog again. How to get started again? I could go on and on about how the desire to do anything has been foreign to me these last months. About how I gained forty lbs and got overmedicated again. That same old story of the woes is me and my life sucks. Well my life does suck but it could be worse- a lot worse. I could still be depressed. I’m feeling okay these days. I get dressed most days and shower when I’m told to. I eat things other than cake and ice cream, I’m even looking into lapband surgery because now my fat ass qualifies. I completely flaked out on the community garden and now it is in danger of being shut down due to it’s unkempt appearance. Guilty feelings there. I told people I had emergency surgery and was unable to mow if they could please pitch in- well nobody did. I don’t know why but I have a hard time telling people I’m bipolar. I’ve met other bipolar people and it is the first thing they say to you. “Hello, I’m Bob and I’m bipolar.” Like we exist in this perpetual Bipolar Anonymous meeting. One thing I did do is stay on top of my disability filing. Guilty feelings there too. I have finally admitted to myself that I will never be myself again. It will always be a struggle to live life from day to day. Things will not go back to the way they once were. I’ll never have a promising nursing career again and I can’t imagine having to be presentable for a set number of days a week. Sometimes it takes me all week to do the dishes, forgoing bathing and other responsibilities to focus on this one daunting task. This week its laundry.
I’m up and moving though. I can see the things that need done again, whether I do them or not is another question. But I see it and that means my brain is turning back on and I will soon be a half ass representation of a human being, and that’s pretty good for me.