Failing at Farming

I am coming to grips with the fact that I will never make a good homesteader.  For any God’s sake! I am bipolar! I hibernate part of every year like a bear.  I don’t get dressed, clean or even do basic personal hygiene let alone take care of animals and plants.  Sure I do great when dysthymic or hypomanic and fabulously when full blown manic.  But I spend the majority of my time fighting the depression and doing nothing.  Any kind of responsibility is just a disaster waiting to happen.  I”m feeling really bad about flaking out on the community garden.  It was my responsibility to mow and make sure people were maintaining their plots.  I couldn’t even maintain my own plot.  Now they are fighting being shut down for being unkempt.  I am pretty sure they got a stay of execution, but with no help from me.  Luckily there was a strong personality waiting in the wings who stepped up when the need arose. My abdication.  My admittance to being a huge failure-again.  Kind-of admittance.  I told everyone I was sick and having surgery, and then of course I was recovering from said imaginary surgery.  Guilty feelings here.  It just seemed so much easier than advertising by email and facebook that I am bipolar and struggling again with an all-consuming depression and barely holding onto my sanity.  I know people who suffer from mental illness speak of the stigma found in society towards the mentally ill.  I think I hold that stigma myself.  I have gone to great lengths to avoid telling people about my illness, I am in hiding.


2 thoughts on “Failing at Farming

  1. This is absolutely the worst part about being bipolar for me–I want to be responsible and reliable, but it’s impossible. Over time, I’ve come to accept that part of me–mostly. I have to tell everyone that all plans are tentative, I’ll come if I can, I’ll see, etc.

    The hardest tasks are ones that deal with people. In thinking about your community garden, I probably would have been able to weed my own plot *when I felt good*, but *never* get after other people to do the same. No way.

    I decided early on to be “out” about my illness. Most of the time, it helps people understand (or not judge in quite the same way). But the unexpected result is that most people are either struggling with some form of mental illness or know someone who is. They ask questions. Good questions. I figure I’m fighting stigma in my own way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I am ready to begin going public with my bipolar and also to make more of an effort to arrange my life and responsibilities according to how I could feel and not how I am feeling at that second. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments!

      Liked by 1 person

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