Trigger Warning-Childhood Trauma
I am not digging my new therapist. I gave him a fair chance and the benefit of the doubt and have seen him for over six months now, or close to it anyway. He is distracted and indifferent as well as refuses to discuss anything sexual in nature. As I have a lot of long-standing sexual issues and recently discovered I was raped as an infant, he is holding me back. The problem is if I request a new provider I will be kicked out into the civilian circuit which is harder for me to navigate. He also feels I am doing so well I can just come once a month- WHAAAT!? Damaged goods here man! I need help! Don’t blow me off!
Also he is a huge douche.
My recent breakthrough actually came unexpectedly. My husband and I go together to see my daughter’s therapist on the side for parenting and to work with her about my daughter. Well he couldn’t make the last visit so it was just me and let’s call her Sally Jessie. She asked me to tell her a little more about myself and looked me in the eye and spoke to me like a human being and an hour later we had made more progress than I had in years. Sally Jessie poked and probed and somehow a few things clicked into place. Here is the gist of it. My mom had always told me that when I was young I was a really happy baby and when I was two my personality suddenly changed. I cried all the time and acted like I was sick. She was a good mommy and took me to the doctor incessantly trying to find what was wrong. They diagnosed me with severe allergies. From what I gather, I was about 2 yrs old. Looking back, for years I have believed this is actually when my mental health issues started but I never knew what possibly triggered it. I always assumed it just happened on its own or something, I really don’t know how it all works.
Separately now- I also know that my sister was left alone with a neighbor boy who molested her when she was about three. It recently came out that I was also alone with this boy but no one ever thought anything of it because I was so young they assumed I had been safe…..I was 2 yrs old. Sally Jessie helped me to put these two things on the same page and I immediately knew what really happened. Somehow now I feel it deep down in my gut that that boy hurt me and this is where it all started, my mental health issues may have started with a root cause and blossomed with each trauma after into the sleeping dragon that is inside me today. I haven’t told anyone, only Sally Jessie knows. I can’t tell my mom, she would be racked with guilt. I can’t tell my husband, I’m not sure why. So I put it here. I’m not sure why. I just had to get it out of me. I can’t tell my therapist it would make him uncomfortable. I have got to get a new therapist.