Instant Gratification 

I want it now, no I need it now.  Whether in the grips of depression or mania, I struggle with that need for instant results and an impatience bordering on neurotic.  It’s like needing a fix, you need that fix now and will go to any lengths to get it.  Self restraint and perspective go out the window.  I want to be thin so I’ll puke up my dinner to get started on my diet right now.  I needed a clean notebook to write lists in today so I used my last 20$ and got some of the pens I like too.  The lists are for my docs, different questions I want to ask and different symptoms and side effects I want to be sure they are tracking.  I made the lists because I had the idea to talk to my docs about stuff.  My appt is not for another month, I was just there, and it’s Sunday and you don’t just call your docs and be like what’s up? But I needed to talk to them right then, not in a month.  I do this with everything, I see something I want and you have to hold me back. I used to just think I was an impatient person but now I’m pretty sure there is a short circuit in my brain related to bipolar or a secondary diagnosis.  It becomes an obsession.  I have some other OCD qualities too, like picking.  It’s on my list for my PDoc.  Like when I pick up a new hobby and its all I do for six months, I have to have every accessory and tool and a plethora of supplies.  It’s my passion, my life and my future.  I make all these grand plans and it’s all I can think of.  Then I’ll have a depressive episode.  Nothing is fun or wonderful, I’m sure you know.  Well then I’ll start feeling better and before you know it I have a new hobby, I rarely go back to the old one.  I have promised myself I won’t do it this time.  No new hobbies for me.  We will see.

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