Self-Esteem

My self-esteem is pretty low right now.  Coming out of this last depression and I’m left with the pieces to pick up.  Everyone whose calls I didn’t answer and I blew off for this or that made up reason.  They are all gone now.  This has happened so many times I don’t have any friends left.  Not one person from high school or an old job, half my family, nobody.  I feel very alone. I can’t even rightfully feel sorry for myself because it is my own fault, my own faults.   The ugliness of the disease.  I read an article that said bipolar disorder is incurable, the best we can hope for is to manage our symptoms to improve our level of function.  That got me down a little too.  So I’ll always cycle, I’m just managing the degree to which I do it. Time to embrace bipolar and stop fighting it, stop hiding it.  Maybe I’ll throw it up on my facebook page and be done with it.  I don’t know why it matters,  I never see any of those people anyway.  All those old friends that have fallen by the wayside.  What will I say?

Dear Everyone,

This post is to let you all know that it’s not you, it’s me.  I’m diagnosed bipolar and can’t help but be a little nutty from time to time.  I didn’t mean to repeatedly disappear on you all and I hope you can forgive me.  I am interested in being friends again, but only temporarily as I will get depressed and dump you again later.  Thank you for your time.

  I’ve been dieting all week, 1400kcal a day.  Stepped on the scale this morning and I have gained four pounds.  Shit.

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2 thoughts on “Self-Esteem

  1. Wow I can so sympathize but I don’t get the luxury of hiding most the time. People have a way of hunting me down. I think I need to go back on my meds. My cycles are getting so severe I keep screwing myself over. I’m now heading into a low which is being aggravated by the realization of what I have done during this recent bought of mania. I think I need to see my doctor and get back on meds. I don’t know why I allow myself to believe at times I don’t need them. Why must I hit the bottom before I realize how bad things have spiraled out of control? Sorry I’m rambling. I am just trying to tell you I totally understand where you are coming from. I hope it gets better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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