It looks like my diagnosis is changing.  I spent an hour with my new therapist today and as we talked a few things came up that I haven’t really divulged before.  A lot of this is due to the fact that I have joined an online support group for bipolar and in discussing with other members, I have recognized things that I always put off as my own weirdness or personality quirks for the symptoms they really are.  Like hearing music all the time, even when I am not manic or depressed.  The fact that my paranoia and delusions are present even when I am dysthymic.  Things I thought would classify as psychosis of bipolar that are present when I am not actively cycling.  That’s the difference, that it is always there.  Less than schizophrenia but more than bipolar is my take.  I am going to go for more thorough testing for multiple things, we are looking at PTSD and anxiety as well.  I’m confident that I will shortly have a new list of diagnosis in my chart.  No one has ever delved this deeply with me and I am immensely grateful.  I feel empowered and a little frightened at the same time.  I have been struggling with self cares and now I know that there are other people with the same problem, not struggling because they are depressed, but struggling because self care deficits are part of the illness.  It makes me feel justified in my weirdness and it also makes me feel like I can do it now.  Like now that there is a tangible reason, I am able to struggle against it and not just wonder why I don’t bathe. I enjoy showering and being freshly scrubbed, its nice, it just doesn’t occur to me to take a shower. Or if it does, other things take precedence, it just doesn’t seem that important.  So…..Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type or Bipolar Schizoaffective.  I’ll take it, I’ll own it and I’ll keep fighting the good fight.


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