The Day The Music Died

All the confidence and convictions of the last few days were gone when I woke up today.  That feeling in your stomach after you’ve just gotten over a flu virus, that’s how my brain feels.  The music stopped yesterday and that’s bothering me too.  Maybe I shouldn’t have told.  Like I am being punished, it was my own secret beautiful thing and trying to share it with other people made it go away.  I am second guessing the schizoaffective diagnosis, I’m still going to do the testing, we will see what it says. I don’t feel I need medicated for it anyway, it’s not severe.   I am lacking the confidence in my own personal insight that I had, I feel like maybe I’m not as in touch with my demons as I was thinking.  I slept last night so the hypomanic phase has passed, here’s hoping depression doesn’t strike.  Right now I am just feeling a little numb and tender.  I am going to see my mother this weekend, she is super supportive.  I need that right now.  I hate being in limbo and I feel like I need conclusive answers to move on with my life.  I can’t go on as bipolar not otherwise specified.  I don’t completely understand why this is so important to me.  I guess it is kind of like having a roommate who won’t tell you their name.  I am going to get up and moving today no matter what, I refuse to go back to sleeping all day.  Even during my hypomania I didn’t get up from the computer much.  You spend six months in bed and it’s a little hard to get moving again.  I have got to lose this weight.


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