Sleepless In Ohio

Visiting family in ohio this holiday weekend, I love ’em to death but I can’t wait to get back home to my own rumpled bed.  Coming down off my hypomanic/mixed episode and feeling okay, just can’t sleep.  Anxiety is a bitch, reviewing everything I need to do and all the ways I should be organizing my life.  Trying not to go round and round in my head but it’s a vortex in there tonight.  Got that big move coming up in February, don’t know that we will be able to visit back here much after that.  What if my husband gets deployed right after we move, worst case scenario.  Money is so tight right now, I wish I knew how this disability thing was going to work out.  Hoping my new diagnosis will give me a better chance, the idea of leaving the house a set number of days a week is near paralyzing.  It is so hard to express my fears, I internalize everything and it’s like everything is fine even to me for a while but it builds up and cracks, then breaks out in an explosion.  I need to learn how to express my emotions to my ever understanding spouse.  I need to get back on sleeping meds.  My hands and feet are swelling like crazy, looks like it may be time for a new mood stabilizer too.  I have been on lithium for four years now and am hesitant to switch, I’m afraid of new drugs and new side effects.  What if it makes me gain weight? I definitely don’t want to get any fatter.  I’m hoping when we get home to my scale that I have lost a pound.  It’s so hard when everyone around me is cooking extravagant meals and saying “Eat, eat.”  Especially my mother in law, she loves to cook for us.  Time for some meditation practice.

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