Oblivious Spouse

I love my husband to death but it is like we are living our lives together in the same house but we exhist in two different universes.  My Fault all the way.  I’m very closed off and I’ve spent my whole life learning to hide my symptoms, to appear normal.  I can have a anxiety attack in the same room with someone and unless they are trying to talk to me, they wouldn’t know.  I don’t even really know when I am depressed unless I’m having active suicidal ideation.  I’m so out of touch with myself.   How do I get more in tune with my emotional state?  My emotional status is something I would need to spell out to my spouse on a daily basis for him to be tracking how I am feeling.  How do I do that if I’m so busy faking my way through the day I don’t know?I have been depressed for months and then hypomanic for two days and he is clueless.  I only figured it out a few days ago at the PDoc’s when I cried every time she asked me a question.  By the way “me crying” is actually just me fighting back tears.  As an adult I only really cry in the histerical depression.  Like my eyes get wet and almost spill over but rarely do.  My husband only saw me cry for the first time two years after we were together and it scared the sHit out of him.

I don’t see how but me sleeping fourteen hours a day seemed to him to be the same as me sitting here at this computer at two AM and cleaning the whole house before he wakes up.  Maybe he is not as clueless as I feel right now, but he never says anything about my mood.  Just whatever I’m doing and however things are going he is just along for the ride.


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