Friends and Stuff

After the roller coaster of the last couple weeks I have leveled out, for now at least.  I finally slept through the night the other day and it was blissful.  Hubby is out for field exercises all week so I really need to be on top of my game.  It is really hard sometimes being a military family, with all the absences and long hours.  Things that normally would fall on the male member of the family, he just doesn’t have time for.  I changed our brake light bulbs yesterday as they were both out.  I was so proud of myself, not only did I get up and go to the store, I accomplished something productive other than housework, which I am still behind on.  Today I am sitting here counting down the minutes to nap-time, yawning through my coffee.  Back to sleeping twelve hours a day I guess, but better than not sleeping.  I would enjoy my hypo-mania a little more if it wasn’t riddled with anxiety.  All the energy in the world isn’t worth that mental pain.  I’ve spent so much time sheltered in my home I forgot how painful it can be outside.  My neighbor was outside when one of the pups got out and I swear he looked at me with hatred.  Even though the sane part of me knows that probably wasn’t true, the anxiety part of me dwelled on it all day and I took trazadone to get to sleep that night.  At least when I am depressed I am oblivious to that sort of thing, I don’t generally have the mental energy to devote to it.  Although I miss a social life at times, days like that remind me why it’s so hard to be around people. I can’t read them the way some people can and I’m left feeling flustered and embrassed unless I’m manic and then I’m the most popular-super interesting girl everyone loves or should love.  I find that normal me is shy and backwards,  social anxiety makes it even worse.  I don’t have any friends anymore but I also don’t have the energy for friends anymore,  it takes everything to hold myself together let alone be support for someone else.  I guess what I miss is the idea of having a friend, when it comes to the actual work a relationship takes, I just don’t have it in me.

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