Evening Ramble

So I am determined to lose this weight!  100 extra pounds to carry around is too much.  Not only is it physically unhealthy, it is damaging to my psyche as well.  When you have to hold your breath to tie your shoes it is just too much.  I am embarrassed for myself and I feel horrible for my husband, who by the way has been incredibly understanding.  I just went for a rather leisurely 2 mile walk.  This is huge for me considering six months ago I couldn’t get out of bed.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a twelve week program I’m doing with a friend, we’ve actually been working out together for three weeks now.  This is huge for me as well because I haven’t had a friend in years.  The only people I am close with are my spouse and children and my mother.  I am not close with any siblings or cousins, I have no long lasting childhood friendships.  Somehow my path crossed with three wonderful ladies who have been incredibly welcoming to me.  We share the goal of getting healthy together and that seems to be enough to fuel the friendship.  We had a girls night out, go to the gym and walk in the evenings.  Five years ago is the last time I had some semblance of a girls night.  Five years! I have been in this deep, dark and lonely hole and I am finally crawling out of it.  I just pray I am not manic and not realizing it.  Surely not though.  It is so easy to look back and say “Oh, well I was not in a good frame of mind at that time,  I was definitely exhibiting some signs of mania.”  At the time it seemed like I just didn’t feel like total shit and thought I was doing well.  It has been an upward climb and not straight up or even at an angle.  It has been more like a stock market flow chart with lots of ups and downs, sometimes big ones, but generally an upward trend.  The upward spikes that only last a few days or weeks are what have left me so cautious of my recent forays into the world of social niceties.  There is the fear that I will bottom out in upcoming weeks again and be left friendless, or god forbid, pitied.  So I have decided to take things one day at a time as they say and stop worrying too much about tomorrow.  I just want to get through the next year intact in as many ways as possible.

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