Another evening workout knocked out, I’ll be feeling it tomorrow I am sure. We have revamped our workout routines with increased cardio and body weight training and less free weights. One of my partners is really struggling with eating right so we are going to try a meal plan system starting next monday. It is one I have done with success in the past, The 21 Day Fix. I actually purchased it before and resold it when I moved on, but everything you need for it is on pinterest. I don’t see the point in paying all that money for some little containers that you use for measuring your food. They are equivalent to measuring cups, which you can get a set of for a buck. The exercises tonight were pretty intense, we started out by walking a mile then went into squats, step ups, leg lifts, burpees, more squats and lunges. Today was a leg day, tomorrow we will play racquetball in the morning and do a similar exercise again in the evening.
Warm nights and lightning bugs are my favorite things in the whole world, even though I have consistently slept through this the best part of the day for the past five years. It feels so good to be up and functioning on a semi-normal level again. Not sleeping all the time has really improved the quality of my life. I know it sounds suspiciously manic that my activity level has quadrupled in the past two months but my mind feels stable. I feel incredibly motivated to lose this weight and drag my ass to the gym and the track to do it.
I do have that nagging fear though that this is just a temporary high and I’ll be back on the floor in a month. I wish I could just let go and enjoy the newfound blessings in my life but the dread is sometimes overwhelming. That feeling that something bad is about to happen and it’s just a matter of time before it all falls apart. Perhaps I’ll commit some inexcusable social faux pa and be rejected by my new friends. Maybe they will find out just how far down I have been and fear my craziness might rub off on them. These are all very nice ladies and I think they would politely decline my further company. I honestly couldn’t have made this much progress on my own, the buddy system is really working. I do struggle with maintaining patience when they are having animated political discussions or expounding on right and wrong parenting styles. I have to remind myself that other people have other opinions that I may not necessarily agree with, or understand. They also vocalize these opinions and that’s okay, just because I keep everything to myself to avoid conflict doesn’t mean other people live like that. I am sometimes astounded when they disagree on something that there is no screaming and they remain friends. These social interactions that appear to come naturally to other people are foreign to me. I would have to be pushed pretty far to disagree openly with someone about a serious topic, my fear of rejection right now is just running too high. Maybe when I know them a little better and feel more secure in our relationship I will be able to open up more. For now I keep most opinions to myself. It helps that it is hard to get a word in edgewise most times.
I am well aware the my self consciousness and introverted nature are not conducive to making and keeping friends. But I have learned over the years to hide these less appealing aspects of myself, I think, but you never really know what other people think of you. People are rarely that honest, to your face anyway. Yes I have been hurt before and that is where a lot of my tentativeness comes from I think. My older sister really did a number on my self esteem and confidence. I have given up on reconciling with her because she continues to treat me as a less than worthy being. Perhaps deep down I feel like that is the way all people should treat me. I need to work on my self-esteem, I am worthy of love and affection and dammit I deserve to have friends. My new mantra.