I’m calling today a wash because we half-assed racquetball this morning and then for the evening cardio I only walked a mile. My excuse is it was cold and windy, I had to pee and for some reason my feet hurt. We all know those are just excuses, I could have worked through it. I did reach all my goals for my fitness watch/app though so that’s better than nothing. If I continue to burn over two thousand calories a day and only consume around sixteen hundred, the math says I will lose weight. Every reason to hit it that much harder tomorrow too.
I’m pretty glad I started journaling again. It gives me time to reflect in the morning on how I want my day to go and to look back in the evening at how it actually went. It makes me stop and actually think about things that happened and to evaluate my state of mind. It is extremely helpful to be able to look back at old posts and see that certain symptoms are less prevalent now than they have been in the past. I have noticed my recent posts are more serious and focused on my physical health rather than emotional. I have a pattern of focusing on one thing at a time. Gardening, homesteading, survivalism, prepping, painting , drawing, writing, blogging, I could go on and on. Shall I? No. Because they all fall to the wayside when the depression hits or true mania sets in. It is all so temporary for me. I can not now for the life of me imagine why I went through my cupboards and threw out everything that had a preservative or coloring in it. I understand avoiding hormones and cutting down on the prepackaged processed food, eating clean as they say, but to throw away all that perfectly good food. Such a waste. The fact that I did it in the middle of the night with all the fervor of a fanatic should have set off some warning bells for me, or at least my spouse. It is difficult not having someone who can see the signs for what they are near me, my mother is good at noticing when I am going off-kilter. My husband is not. Unfortunately she is 600 miles away and not a big phone talker.
I worry that my recent enthusiasm for my physical well-being will either get out of hand or become another casualty of depression. I could go over-board and start taking twenty different vitamins a day and eat a paleoovolactoglutenfreetitarian diet. Or I could start eating fudge rounds for breakfast and cheesecake for dinner again. I seriously at one point ate thanksgiving pumpkin rolls like candy bars, the whole thing, no fork or plate just straight in the maw. Right now I am doing my best just to eat clean and keep my portion sizes in check. Next Monday I’ll start a round of the 21 Day Fix again. I wonder though, is this a normal thing, that normal people do? Measure and track every scrap of food that enters your body? Am I already off the deep end, or am I just dieting? So hard to tell.