Swimming Alone

So I showed up at the pool today, I was the only one.  M had a personal crisis and F was there for moral support, I don’t know what happened to B.  I was a little disappointed that nobody showed but these ladies are a fluid bunch and it doesn’t seem like making appointments on time is a huge priority.  My first instinct was to be hurt and assume that they were intentionally trying to hurt me.  Like they decided I was a flake and it would be funny to get me in a swimsuit and not show.  I know the world does not revolve around me and the sane part of me knows that my expectations of other people are too high.  High school antics are not what was going on, but I still had to talk myself down from it.  I tried not to show that I was hurt when I saw F later and by the time I saw B I had forgotten about it.  This reflex  of mine to immediately feel rejection even when it is not present is so ingrained, such a part of me, that I can’t just turn it off and be “normal”.  Feeling secure and confident in myself is something that occurs only when manic and is a huge red flag that I’m overboard.  Seeing signs that I am about to be rejected or that it has all been some cruel joke IS my “normal”.  My insecurities have at times been a hinderance and a downright roadblock to functioning in society.  I see people looking at me and hear them laughing about me even when it’s not happening.  Particularly intensely when my psychosis is running high.  I can literally hear the whispers and the words “she” and “her” like they are really happening.  It’s terrifying.  Makes going out of the house really hard.  But then if I stay in the house I am checking smoke detectors for cameras and hunting down robot flies like a madwoman.  On the brighter side, my meds are working and I only suspected one hidden camera today, and I recognized my paranoia for what it was.  No worries, I am not currently stalking through the house in my underwear with a fly swatter.

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