Pondering The Past

So I’m fat.  245 lbs at 5’4″.  Now that I’m in a frame of mind to actually examine myself and my life, it’s all I can think about, and I know it’s pretty much all I have been posting about.  How did I let it get so bad, how could I have let everything get so bad?  It’s a huge reminder every time I look in the mirror of just how bad it was, how bad off I was.  Every day that I stay fat is every day that I’m still sick to me.  I know I’ll probably never be “myself” again, you don’t go through a depression like that unchanged.  There are deep scars inside.  I just wish it didn’t show so much on the outside.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on how I ended up in the position I am in weightwise.  I blame a lot of it on meds and depression, but I feel I need to really take ownership of it to get past it.  I have always had issues with food. I starved myself into a size 0 my junior year of high school and then was back up to an eight by the time senior prom rolled around.   I exercised compulsively when I was nineteen until I was back down to a three.  I was also constantly eating diet pills.  Back up to a 7/8 when I started dancing, then I stayed about a size 5 for several years until I got pregnant with my oldest.  I felt my weight just ballooned at the time and post pregnancy I was a much bigger 170 lbs, what I wouldn’t give to be 170 now though.  Through it all I thought I was chubby or downright fat. I can look back at the pictures now and see just how thin I was, but at the time I couldn’t get past thinking I was hefty.  I’ve never been comfortable with my body, never had much self-esteem at all.  I think maybe that’s why dancing was so addictive to me, I danced every day, sometimes multiple shifts.  Who can turn down people telling you how beautiful you are all day and paying just for your company?  Albeit by the last couple years I was just showing up for the free booze and quick cash, I still got high off all the attention.  When your one of the few pretty girls in a run down dive in Ohio you get the attention, drunk or not.

 

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