Just Do It

I have had way too much caffeine today, but I killed it at the track. 25 squats, lunges, crunches, leg lifts and high knees.  Plus I walked a mile and a quarter.  My diet was on point yesterday, I didn’t do so well today.  We skipped morning workout and went to Hobby Lobby instead, then we ate at Panda Express. I ordered sensibly for myself then ate my daughters noodles and cookie.  I felt guilty so I skipped dinner, now I’m sitting here starving.  Not a good pattern to establish, I’m going to have to tread carefully due to my previous tendencies towards eating disorder behavior.  I still didn’t make a Dr appointment, I’m not sure why I’m avoiding it.  I haven’t heard good things about behavioral health here so far, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go.  I’ve had bad doctors before and dealt, I can always go off post if it gets too bad.  I’m in a good place mentally and don’t foresee any med changes in the immediate future.  I need to just do it.

I talked to Ed today, he’s going into a rehab unit until he gets some strength back, I don’t have a lot of hope he will come back from this.  He just sounds so weak when I talk to him.  I haven’t told Morgan how bad off he is, just in case he rallies.  I don’t want to worry her unnecessarily.

I helped F out today and that made me feel like a good friend.  I got a picture frame at hobby lobby for pictures of Morgan’s dad’s side of the family and hung it in her room.  That made me feel like a good mom.  If I can find the strength to shower and have sex with my husband I’ll feel like a good wife.  But we currently have a bet going of who can go the longest without sex and I don’t want to let him win.  It’s only been like a week and considering he has been deployed for nine months at a time, this could go on for a while.  He loves winning bets with me.

I talked to M today during our walk about my struggle with depression and told her a little about what it was like.  She seemed genuinely interested and even opened up about herself a little.  It was nice to really feel a genuine connection with someone and not just superficial niceties.  A lot of people have struggled with mental health issues at some point in their lives or are close to someone who has.  More people than I would have thought.

My husband had an unexpected call from his brother today.  He’s really not a good guy and there is a lot of bad blood between them.  Apparently he has gotten himself in too deep with some heavy drugs and was reaching out.  He’s had a long standing problem with alcoholism and addiction.  Maybe he’s getting close to rock bottom and will get some help.  I would have thought being passed out drunk and getting run over by a car would have been his bottom but I guess his bottom goes deep.  I hope he gets through this just for my husband’s sake, I don’t want him to have to bury his brother.  Unfortunately there is not a lot we can do for him.  An ear to listen and some good advice is all we can do, he has to be ready.


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