Contemplations

I’m supposed to be at the track in half an hour, I already have my pajamas on and I’m sitting in bed.  I just don’t have it in me today, despite copious amounts of coffee, I am dragging ass.  It doesn’t help that M has been making excuses not to go all day so I know I’ll be walking alone.  I’m having a hard time letting it go, allowing myself a day off.  I’ve been going non-stop for weeks and I think it’s finally catching up to me.  So I’ll take my day off and try not to feel too guilty about it.  I’ll try not to worry about it too much too. Everybody gets tired, it’s not the end of the world, it’s not the beginning of a downward spiral.   My mood is better than it was yesterday or there would be some genuine concern.  Either way I need to schedule that doctor appointment I’ve been avoiding, I’m supposed to be closely monitored after all and the whole process of getting in with new doctors and therapists could be time consuming.  I don’t want to wait until I actually need something.

I keep thinking about the track.  M just texted, she’s not going.  No surprise there.  I wish F would get over the flu already.  My lack of personal motivation is disappointing.  It shouldn’t matter if anyone else is going, and it’s a lot more work with F, believe me.  She is super motivated and in good shape, I have a hard time keeping up with her.  It’s nice walking by myself too, peaceful and recharges me.  There is also a group of air force cadets who work out at the same time so it’s not like I’m out there on the track all alone and vulnerable.  I won’t be able to go tomorrow evening because there is this big concert out there in the field the track is on.  Shit.  That’s two days.  And we are just going to the pool with the kids tomorrow morning.  I’m worried now that if I don’t keep my momentum up I’ll drop off and stop all together.  I’m going to the track.

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