Home

Waking up at my mom’s house this morning recharged emotionally.  I slept fitfully because the baby didn’t sleep well, but that’s not the reason. It’s because this is home, this is the place you come to have your hurts comforted and to have your wounds healed, this is where you come when you need a safe place.  My mom is one of my few friends in this big world and it’s nice to be able to see her while we talk.  She loves me despite everything that I’ve done and gone through.  She forgives me for every hurt I’ve ever caused, unconditionally.  I love my mom.

The guest room is a shrine to my older sister.  Has her pictures everywhere and a western theme because she likes horses. *This is me puking*  My older sister is no friend of mine.  I wished her a happy birthday on facebook and that’s all I’ve seen of her this year and that’s fine with me.  I’ll get my happy birthday come May and that will be the end of it til next spring.   I have a younger brother and seven step brothers and sisters, and I am not close to any of them.  I thought I was healing the relationship with my younger brother for a time, thought we were bonding.  He told me he was moving to Washington to get away from me and my kids once and that was the end of that.  My step siblings are great, we get along well, we just aren’t close.  Probably because I can’t get over feeling like an outsider.  It is me, not you and all that.

We will hang here for another day  and night and then finish the treck to the Michigan border to be with Ed.  He’s out of the hospital and in the re-hab unit now so he has improved somewhat.  We will clean his house and get things ready for him to come home.  I am getting over all my anxiety and nervousness and feeling better about the decision to come.  Things will work out for the best, I have to hope.  Mo is going to get to see her dad for as much as possible before he dies and if it gets too ugly and she can’t handle it we can always go back home.  She is determined to be there for him though.

I have not managed to exercise once since this road trip began.  I was just too wiped from all the driving.  I am determined to get a good walk in today, shit I just realized I didn’t bring a stroller.  Maybe I’ll go to the nearby nature reserve and walk there this evening with my oldest.  Tomorrow is Monday and I’ll do the Monday circuit if the beachbodynow program and stick to it for the next few weeks.  F ran me some copies.  Monday Wednesday Friday circuits, and I’ll throw in cardio whenever I can.  My eating has been in the crapper as well but once we get to Ed’s and I can get to the grocery store it will health back up.  I have been doing well on not eating a bunch of junky fast food, I have just not been eating, and I know that’s not good.

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