Evening Ramble

I’ve turned into one of those people I swore I’d never be.  I am an ex-smoker who hates the smell of cigarettes.  I used to love the smell, I’d pick up a whiff in a parking lot or outside of Wal-Mart and it was just heavenly, but no more.  It makes my eyes water and my nose burn, it smells obnoxious and toxic.  I can just taste the chemicals and imagine what they’re doing to my body.  I hate having the kids around it but I don’t know what I can do, circumstances as they are.  I refuse to be that asshole that comes into someone else’s house and wants them to change their lifestyle for me. I had an uncle that wouldn’t let you smoke around him if he was eating and it just seemed ridiculous to me because he was a smoker.  I smoked while I ate, cigarette in one hand, fork in the other.

My diet is officially in the toilet.  I ate Chinese buffet today.  My budget is in the crapper too.  I really couldn’t afford the Chinese buffet.  Things are tight right now with only one income and add onto that all the traveling and eating on the run and we are dipping heavily into the meager savings we had.  We are currently living on monies we had painstakingly put back to take the kids to see the ocean.  I wish something would happen with my disability case, that would make all the difference in the world, get us back on our feet.  But ah well, it’s out of my hands.  I’m just waiting for a hearing, it could be another year.

The kids are doing well in the new situation, Little M is a real trooper but wants to get back to mamaw and papaw’s house.  Mo is enjoying the time with her family and is reassured by being able to see her dad every day.  He was tired when we visited today and we didn’t stay long.  Mo says the nursing home is creepy and it’s hard to see her dad there.  I understand how she feels, I used to work in nursing homes and an unfamiliar one is still creepy to me.  Once you get to know the place and some of the residents it’s not so bad, but a new place with new smells and new people with strange ailments is a lot to take in.  I can sympathize with the eleven year old mind, old people are spooky, especially  strange old people.  There was a classic permanent resident in the hallway today wheeling along with her dollbaby in her arms, she told us she loved us as we walked by.  I could tell it gave Mo the heeby-jeebies but I found it endearing.  Not that I would ever go back to work in a nursing home, the stress level is just way too high, but maybe I could get to a place where I could volunteer for activities or something.

I’m doing good on the not smoking and not even tempted to drink any booze, but I am drinking soda again.  I am addicted to ginger ale and fountain coke, my vices.  Along with cheeseburgers and French fries, ice cream, and donuts, you know, the usual.  I will make a greater effort tomorrow to fall back on my newfound healthy eating habits and somehow get in some exercise.  I actually find myself missing asparagus and eggs for breakfast.  I bought new protein and a shaker today because I miss that too.  It’s a convenient breakfast for on the road, no excuse not to do it.

 

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