Found It!

I found my Depakote, it was in the bag with all my other pills.  These are the kind of brain-farts I live with now that I’m on meds.  I once lost my phone and found it in the fridge in a bag of corn-on-the-cob.  I always check the fridge and freezer first when I  have lost something.

We are back here at my mom’s for the weekend and her royal majesty, my older sister is in for the weekend too.  She is sleeping in the room that is her shrine, my decision, I can’t stand it, except for the comfy bed. Classic sibling jealousy, I know.   It just adds an air of ambivalence to have her here, we are not close, have never been close, not for lack of trying on my part.  I have given her many opportunities and found she just can’t be trusted with my emotions, especially when I am fragile.  She is one of the toxic people I have made a decision to cut out of my life.  I think she has picked up on that fact and it has added to the awkwardness.  Sometimes you just have to let go of a hope or dream as unrealistic when it comes to other people.  I would love to have a sister who is a best friend and confidant, someone who shares so many of the same childhood memories.  But it’s just not going to happen with her.  It was hard to let it go, I’ve tried my whole life just to be accepted by her as an equal.  You can’t control what other people do or how they are, no matter how bad you want it.  I can’t make her a good person and I can’t change her opinion of me.  She has always been one of those people who has to have someone to hate, someone to blame everything on and that person was me for a lot of our lives.  I find I am unable to forgive her for the damage done to me in my formative years and the fact that she has never tried to apologize for tormenting me as a kid doesn’t help her case. I want to be over it.  I’m not, and that drives me crazy.  I can’t stand the way she can still get to me, how stupid, fat and ugly I feel when I am around her.  She actually triggered my anorexia as a teen by constantly barraging me with comments about my looks and weight.  It was her influence that got me started on heavier drugs, she was my first coke buddy.  She taught me drinking games and how to drop acid.  All these things done under the radar, our parents never new.  To them I will always be the messed up one, the failure.  It was a path she led me down.  I don’t blame her for the fact that I took everything to the extreme, for my addictions.  I don’t blame her for making me willing to do anything to be accepted by her.  I blame myself for those things but I wish she could be a little sorry for it too.




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