Pity Party

I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself this evening.  Hanging out with the kids all day while my mom and sister went and did fun stuff without me has not bolstered my mood.  Now I am sitting in the basement hiding because my sister is having company.  This company I speak of is a teacher from our high school.  I am hiding because I gave a lap-dance to one of his fellow teachers not long after graduation and I am afraid he will know something about it because said teacher shortly left the district.  I know it’s highly probable that it had nothing to do with me, his leaving, but I can’t help but fear that word got around, as it does in a small town.  Most likely he doesn’t even know who I am, I shared a grade with my sister and most people only remember her. I am an afterthought more often than not.  My embarrassment for my past indiscretion goes further  than mortification because the handsom teacher who got my lap dance was a huge crush while i was still in school.  The kind of man that will be forever out of reach due to a slew of self doubting thoughts that plague me any time I am near a man of half the estimation of my dream guy.  Handsome, educated, kind, funny, admirable in all respects.  I am well aware it was a high school crush with all the puppy dog eyed hearts drawn on a notebook, fantastical expectations and all.  The fact that there was a very breif  moment when I thought perhaps he would fall for my womanly charms and rescue me from the hole I had dug myself just intensifies my mortification at the thought of anyone ever connecting me in any way to the situation.

That’s of course not all that’s dragging on my mood.  My mom just so obviously enjoys my sister’s company.  I am so jealous, I can’t help it.  It hurts that I am not accepted in the same way.  I know I am overly sensitive but that doesn’t make me any less tearful when I watch them interact.  Not that my mom and I don’t have a good relationship, she is my only friend.  I am not her only friend, maybe that’s what bugs me so much.  They just seem to share a comfortable relationship that I have never had with anyone.


2 thoughts on “Pity Party

  1. *hugs* I completely relate to not feeling like I’ve ever had that easy comfortable relationship some people have with their family. If I’m being honest, it causes some major envy sometimes. As far as your past goes, try to be kind to your past self and not to judge your current self based on past actions.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the past and my anxiety creates these elaborate scenarios that would never really happen, I just get sucked in I guess. The envy is definitely there when it comes to family and friendships and I need to get past it and become comfortable with myself and my own relationships.
      Thanks for the *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

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