Frustration

I find myself short on patience these days, definitely a sign of mania for me.  Everyone is moving too slowly and I can’t do what I want because all these slow people are in my way.  I’m compulsively checking e-mail and twitter and I can’t seem to stop organizing Mo’s books and tweaking her school schedule.  My brain is going a mile a minute but nothing productive is actually getting done.  I see now that this has been going on for a while.  Back home I was compulsively exercising and making spreadsheets for exercises, now I don’t have that outlet. Always tweaking them because plans changed or I got new ideas.  There is no babysitter and gym here so I’m getting frustrated with day to day things.  The anxiety and anger are the closest thing I have to a sign that I’m manic and those were absent at home, I have to say because of the release I got from exercising.  Now they are piling up and I feel a little ball of rage in my chest that I am working hard to suppress.  It could boil over at any moment, but for now I have a tight reign on it.  I have spent a lot of time in my life angry and suppressing it, so I have plenty of experience keeping my temper in check.  What worries me is the inevitable crash after the high, isn’t that what worries us all?  It’s bound to happen sooner or later, and my recent mania has had me out of the loop with a PDOC.  I have to get home and clear up this mess, I have to get in to a doc.  It’ll be another week before I even think about heading home, and patience is not one of my virtues right now.  So I will blog, and reorganize Mo’s books and repack our clothes and just try to keep my mind busy until I can take some action on the things that are worrying me.  Cross you’re fingers that my psychoses don’t manifest and that I don’t crash before I get home.  I have to admit it is probably my too low dose of Depakote that allowed this to happen, I should have had my levels checked and dose increased months ago.  Why on earth I thought I was all under control, when I am so bad at judging.  I should know better by now for sure.  I’ll just do what I can from here and hope it all turns out okay.

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