Patience

I’m having a terrible time keeping my patience with Mo while doing her homework.  Not only is the baby crawling all over me the whole time, but Mo’s attention span is like 5 secs.  She’s doodling and highlighting, re-adding the same problems because she forgot she added already.  My current mental state not-withstanding, it’s no wonder her teachers always give me the stank eye.  All this time spent not medicating her is a lot of time she was unable to concentrate or pay attention in class.  By far the improvement we saw with the mood stabilizer made a difference, but what a difference could be made if we treat her for the ADHD.  She is so smart, it is hard to see her struggle like this and know it is my decisions that have kept her struggling.  I have to keep reminding myself to stay calm and patient when we do the schoolwork because in my hypo-manic/manic mind everything is taking too long and at the same time she is rushing through everything, and we have to keep going back to correct mistakes.  I need to get us both straightened out ASAP.  I was thinking of doubling up my Depakote until I can get in to a doc but that’s risky, I don’t want to be toxic.  I’ll have to have levels drawn and all that.  If I were home I’d take trazadone in an ultra low dose but I don’t have any with me here.  I’ll just have to remain calm, easier said than done.

Everything is getting on my nerves, I’m hyper sensitive and starting to have ugly….I don’t know what to call them.  More than thoughts but not like a fantasy, more like fantastical notions.  Unrealistic ideas and thoughts that run amok.  Ugly stuff, stuff that doesn’t bear repeating.  Not that I’m in any danger or a danger to anyone,  It’s more like my brain is just taking normal everyday scenarios and giving me a glimpse of a darker version.  These thoughts I am having to constantly shut down.  Thought monitoring and the increasing need to suppress rage has me exhausted.  My lack of patience has me on edge but it’s not spilling over on anyone else yet, I haven’t gone off or even so much as whispered a hint of my anxiety level.  I know it is all me, all in my head, the world continues to turn at the same rate it always has, it is only me that has changed.

On a lighter note, pun intended, I don’t think I have realized how much progress I have made in the weight department until I got to Ohio and started wearing my winter clothes again.  Everything is looser, not too big yet, but fitting better for sure.  I don’t think I have gained back as much weight as I thought but I am still afraid to step on the scale.  We will see in about a week when I get home.

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