I don’t even know where to start. I feel so let down, so judged and so hurt. Not only did I say goodbye to one of my only friends today, possibly for the last time, but one of the only other people I trust with my emotions really laid into me. My mom let me know just what she thought of my current life choices, and several previous choices, critiqued my parenting skills, and told me exactly what she thought of my decision making skills; none of it good. I literally felt my soul crumbling when she told me to get a job (working as a nurse again of all things) even as she implied I could control my manic episodes and teach myself not to make impulsive decisions. I had really gotten to the point where I thought she of all people understood. Now I’m feeling so defeated, like, what’s the point. I thought I was doing so well and turns out I am just a failure ruining everything and disrupting my family because I can’t make sound decisions. Pretty much what the hell am I trying to do, taking on homeschooling my daughter and carting her cross country to see her dad?
I’m trying not to be so hurt, trying to see her side of things. I’m just having a hard time. I know it’s me, I’m over-sensitive and can’t stand for someone to be mad at me. Why did she have to lash out at me? I understand she had a bad day and doesn’t approve of my choices, but did she really have to say it? Can’t she just talk about me behind my back or something? Complain about me to her therapist? I’m so torn up now, why is this hitting me so hard? I like it a lot better when she talks nice to me. She had a lot of good points and I agreed with a lot of what she said, it’s just that she seemed so offended by my failures, like they were a personal affront to her, as if I fail at life on purpose. She seemed like she had given up on me again. I think I lost my comfort with her, I don’t think I can trust her with my feelings the way I thought I could. She’s so busy judging me I don’t think she even sees the hurt and indecision that I am going through. I feel like I’m caught in a tide and I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t know what’s right anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing or where I should be going.
I’m going to hide myself the rest of the time we are here, keep interactions to a minimum, paste on the happy face, I can cry when I get home. One less person to count on I guess. I’m running awfully low. I miss Ed and our long phone conversations.