On Mania and Beaches

Running on empty this AM.  Ran out of juice yesterday, it was like hitting a wall.  I don’t know if it was just a bad day or I’m finally coming down from my manic high.  The compulsive exercising has slowed down but I am still struggling with fixations.  One thing to the next, from homeschooling spreadsheets to packing for an upcoming beach trip.  My spending is way out of control, I need just one day where I don’t find a reason to go to the store.  I see it, and I know it’s bad, but if there is money in the bank account I spend it.  I need my husband to take over the finances, but really he is just as bad with money as I am.  Anxiety still high, yet to find the trazadone, I don’t know what I did with it. I’m starting to have some visual disturbances, things out of the corner of my eye, illusions or distortions of what’s really there, no music yet though.  I have to thank abilify for that.  My appointment is coming up on June first to go to my PCM to get into behavioral health here, I’m regretting dragging my feet on this, but who goes to the doctor when you feel good?  We’ve been here two months and I am just now doing this. Ugh.

More on the beach trip…We are going camping at a campground right on the beach.  So of course we need all the accessories and extras.  I had a tent and basic gear but I have been purchasing food and extras.  Extra towels, swimsuits, sunhats.  It is a trip we have been planning amongst the girls.  M and B and F and I.  Just us ladies and the kids spending four days on the beach.   Affordably too because we are camping not hoteling.  There has been some friction in the planning.  B had an unexpected expense and couldn’t afford to go, I talked her into letting me pay her part in exchange for free babysitting for two weeks.  That worked out well but, F doesn’t want to pitch in on food or gas because she is just one person and we are going anyway, she is just riding along, she also made it clear that she will not help set-up.  She doesn’t do manual labor in no air conditioning or something.  F said some things about B’s parenting and feelings were hurt, so again B didn’t want to go.  M wants to get together today to talk to F about pitching in, and that’s why I’m up, I couldn’t sleep thinking about the conversation and how it may go. I feel like they are making more of it than needs be, just let it go. I am so non-confrontational that the thought of it has my gut roiling, pretzel-gut as some would say.  F has a very strong personality and is very vocal in her opinions whereas I am the exact opposite.  Her personality overwhelms mine and I am not confident at all that I could change her opinion about anything.  It would just be easier for me to let her do things her way and I’ll just worry about me and mine.  I’m excited for the trip despite the drama and started packing a week early, I also have been compulsively re-packing and re-packing.  I feel like everyone would have a better time if they would just let things go and not get so butt-hurt about every little thing.  I also feel that people who don’t have kids should keep their mouths shut when it comes to other people’s kids and parenting styles.  That is just an unspoken rule.  Until you’ve been there your opinion doesn’t matter.  Women are hard creatures to get along with.  We are lucky to have found four women who get along as well as we do.  I think if F could manage to be a little less abrasive then we would get along a lot better.



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