Update on Me

Well my manic period has ended, I’m pretty sure.  Even though I am up at 4 am today, there is a different reason for that;  I slept like a rock.  I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping because my hands keep falling asleep, pins and needles and all that.  The doc said wrist braces would help, and boy do they.  I have been sleeping soundly since the first.  I got our referrals for behavioral health too.  Mo and I both have appointments at the end of the month.  I would have liked to get in sooner, but what ya gonna do?

     We had a great time  camping at the beach, Hunting Island pic included.  M is already planning our next trip.  There was a falling out amongst B and F that led to F not going and no one talks to her anymore.  I feel bad about that.  I also feel relieved; F was a lot of personality to take in and I was usually exhausted after being around her.  She came with a lot of drama and opinions and I’m better off without all that in my life.  I have to take care the people I’m around because they can trigger me so easily.  F’s dramatic ways and self absorbed nature left me usually trying to comfort her when in all actuality, I needed comfort myself.  Part of that is my fault, I haven’t completely opened up to my new friends yet.  After seeing the way they turned on F I’m not sure I can.  What if they judge me as harshly as they judged her?  I’m insecure and closed off for a good reason.  Women can be petty and spiteful.

Mo’s dad is not doing well,  it’s hard to talk to him.  He forgets the conversation we last had and I end up repeating the same conversation with him. I miss my friend and I’m losing him to the cancer.  I feel so helpless and there is nothing I can do for him right now.  I’m a hot mess who needs to get into the doctor herself.  He was always so understanding.  We talked about it and he understood my need to stay close to home for now.  I think he also understood that he was missing something, like the fact that we had already had the same conversation.  It looked for a minute like he was going to check himself out of the rehab unit but he never did.  I was relieved, if he had gone home I would have wanted to be there to take care of him.  He saved my life, I feel like I should be there for the end of his.

I’m worried I’ll have a depressive episode now that my manic one is over, hopefully the anti-depressant will keep that from happening because it will be at least until the end of the month before I get my Depakote increased.  That’s the way the roller coaster rides though, up then down, down and up.

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