Still Around

Well business is booming, I mean, I haven’t made any money or anything, but I have had three different people ask for things.  One actually paid!   I just accepted an order that I am very nervous about filling and that’s what is keeping me up tonight.  It is a fiftieth birthday present for someone with a lot of duty stations, so not only is it going to be time consuming but also needs to be the best I have done yet.  Fifty is a big deal and you don’t want your present to suck.  home is where1white

This is what they ordered, but with 20 duty stations,  I am feeling a lot of pressure.  I am recalling all the reasons why I don’t work.  I have had to deal with two random people this week.  Both interactions went well, but the psychache and mental preparation and worry about said interactions made it so much harder than it had to be.  For most people it would have been just a casual “Hi, hello, how are you? Thank you for your purchase.”  But no, not for me.  It was all Oh god and what if they hate it, what if they hate me, what if they return it? Or the one that really did happen, What if they don’t show up? Worry and anguish over the simplest of things, what if I didn’t sand it enough, is my lettering too shaky, that star is crooked.  Fear of rejection battling with the fear of the confrontation.  I can literally feel the blood drain out of my face and then rush back in a warm flood just thinking about it.  My hands get tingly and my brain goes numb. DUDUDUDU is all I can say.   I need a frontman to do the dealings with people.  That front man is going to be M, she may not know it yet but I can’t handle the stress.  I feel like I am going to puke.  I so desperately need some income I was actually considering putting in a resume with a work from home company.  My husband talked me down.  He had sound reasoning,  just because I am somewhat functional right now and could get a job (maybe)  I couldn’t keep it.  Two weeks from now when I am sitting at my desk sobbing uncontrollably because I saw a dead armadillo on the road or because I felt the slightest bit of hostility from a coworker, I’d be let go.  Or fear would paralyze me and I wouldn’t even show up, then I’d be even more let go.  The first time you say “I love this song” to someone and there is no radio on, you are tagged as a loon.  I admit it, I am a loon.  But I try not to let everyone know it.  If you haven’t noticed by my rambling prose, I am still manic.  My psych appointment is Wednesday and it can’t get here soon enough.  While all the motivation is great, the anxiety is really getting to me and I want this swing under control before I hit that downward spiral that we all know is inevitable.  I am sure my constant prattling and chain-vaping is wearing thin on my husband as well.  I actually smoked a couple real cigarettes the other day.  Guilty feelings all around.  Especially since my best friend is laying in a bed 1000 miles away dying ever so quickly of lung cancer.  I can’t even go to him because my car is broken down and I have so many obligations here.  I don’t want Mo to see her dad like that either and she would go with me if I went.  I had a long talk with her today about his status.  He’s on hospice care if he gets out of the hospital this time and I had to explain to her what it meant.  That there would be no more life saving measures and all that.  It was rough but she is a real trooper and understood.  I wish I knew how better to comfort her but my emotional stuntedness is not helped by my mania at this time.  Wow, all one paragraph.

There that’s better.  SO to plug my new venture.  I have a shop on Etsy and a facebook page.   I really have no idea how this technology works so forgive me.  Find me, this is me reaching out in my own way.  I guess I should explain a little how this came about.  M and I are always walking around looking at pretty things going, “I could make that”,”We could make that”,”We should make one of those”. Well we finally did, and it turned out pretty good.  I had a yardsale and sold all the leftovers from my previous fictations ie. sewing machine, yarn and crochet stuff, not to mention outgrown kids clothes and random shit that accumulates in a household.  We made $70 and I took that money and bought some supplies.  We salvaged some old pallets from friends and neighbors, and one bat-shit crazy lady gave me four.  We spent hours scrolling through pinterest pages for inspiration and then I just started making shit I wanted.  Turns out other people want the same shit.  So there you have it.  Once again I have gotten myself in over my head while manic.


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