Did you ever have just one of those days? Well the slow slide into depression has begun and after months of unrealistic optimism, every day seems to feel like one of those days.  Things that would not have phased me two months ago are irritating and irritating things are damn near unbearable.  All the signs are there: carelessness with my meds, napping, snappishness, low appetite, a general feeling of malaise, and the ever present low self esteem and disconnect I feel from other people.  I feel as though I am slowly sinking in a tar pit and I have my hand held out for help but lack the ability to grasp any  hand.  I go to my appointments and tell my husband how I’m feeling but no one seems to be picking up on the fact that I am not myself, I am not doing well.  Sure I am still able to smile, I find pleasure in things, but not like I did. I feel the world slipping from my grasp and the brain fog has already set in enough that I feel a sense of hopelessness when I try to think of what I should do.  More meds? Eh. New meds? Eh? What’s the point? Why bother? Why do I keep fighting this fight?And this is just the beginning.  Soon I’ll lose ny control over my own mind, it will start playing tricks on me, my internal monologue will take a dark turn and the suicidal prompts will creep in and eventually take over. I’ll be lying in bed before long wondering how much it hurts to die.  I don’t want that. I can’t fight my way back out of it again.  I feel cut off from the world. Here I am sinking and no one even notices. That makes it that much worse I think.  This is what/ really got me down right now.  The few people I have in my life are so wrapped up in themselves that even when I say it, flat out say it, that I am getting depressed, they don’t even hear it none has put a hand on my shoulder and said “I’m here for you”.  Which is what I want most in the world.  The one person I could turn to and pour my heart out to, who understood,is dead now.  He’s gone and I’m all alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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