Back From The Abyss

Five months.  It usually doesn’t seem like it has been so long that I was disconnected from the world.  But in some ways it feels like an eternity.  A failed attempt at taking me off my Zoloft triggered a whopper of a depressive episode.  Latuda did nothing to lift me out of that pit, and as I have completely run the gambit of meds we just went back to my most recent effective cocktail and hoped for the best.  The natural cycle of my depression/mania has progressed and I am starting to function again.  A lot of changes were made while I was down.  My husband deployed and I am back home with the parents.  No one trusted me to be alone and the support system just wasn’t there in Georgia.  A referral was put in for ECT. Electro-Convulsive Therapy.  I am currently trying to figure out how to get two hours away, three times a week if I can’t drive.  Even on the days I feel I can drive, I can’t because they sedate you for this lovely procedure.  I’m going to do my due diligence and learn about it while I not-so-patiently wait to get in. The biggest hurdle right now is figuring out the process to get in.  I know the referral was put in but no-one ever called from the facility.  Or if they did I didn’t answer.  I don’t think anyone understands how hard it is to use the phone.  I feel naked and exposed on the phone, not able to anticipate reactions or get a feel for the other person.  I was told once that this is a result of a dysfunctional childhood.  As a kid you learned body language as a matter of emotional survival and the inability to see the person on the other end of the line is disorienting and sometimes frightening.  I guess I have to call the insurance company.  I need to get this ball rolling while I can function.

More on driving.  A weird thing occurred yesterday while I was dragging my ass around town.  I always have great anxiety while driving, especially at intersections.  I look both ways five times and hesitate at green lights because I feel like it’s not really my turn to go. I have no confidence in my perceptions or my decision making ability.  When you sometimes see things it is a natural leap to think you sometimes don’t see things.  So, at intersections I feel like someone is going to hit me, even if there is no one around.  Yesterday a thought popped into my head that was a little frightening.  I wished someone would hit me.  Just end the torment, get it over with and finally hit me so I could get on with my life.  Not a suicidal thought but an end the anxiety thought.  I have been in three accidents that totaled the vehicles and I know in my real thoughts that I do not want to do that again.  The fact that I was willing, even for just a split second is somewhat disturbing.

On Meds.  Back on the routine of Abilify 10mg, Buspar 15mg twice a day, Zoloft 100 mg at bedtime and the inevitable levothyroxine because lithium destroyed my thyroid.  It makes me nervous to be taking so few meds right now, I am used to taking so many more.  But I have learned over the years that no matter how much I crave it, no meds are going to fix me.  I have begun to incorporate more holistic and natural ways of boosting my mood.  I got one of those sunlight lamps for Christmas and religiously spend an hour in the mornings sitting in front of it.  At first it seemed overly bright, but now it is soothing and it seems dark when it’s off.  Winters in ohio can be bitterly cold and if its not snowing it is raining, so going outside for my daily dose of vitamin D is not very feasible.  I am also dragging my ass to the gym at least three days a week.  It really takes all my willpower to do this.  There are people there and that makes it hard.  The lady at the front desk is always rude but most everyone else I have interacted with has been friendly-ish at least.  A couple really nice people have stood out.  I signed the kids up for classes four days a week so I am forced to be there.  Parental obligations have always been my biggest motivator.  And since I am already there, I can usually force myself to work out.  The kids are enjoying getting out and about again as well.

On disability.  So while we were still in Georgia I finally got the letter for my hearing for disability.  Of course we were in the process of moving at the time so I had to switch to ohio and I am anxiously awaiting a letter telling me my new hearing date.  I’m so scared of it but I also just want to get my inevitable rejection over with.  I hold out little hope that I’ll get it.  I feel undeserving and have been rejected so many times already.  It was a huge step just to file.  To admit that I was not ok and was never going to be ok.  It felt too much like giving up and I have always had a hard time asking for help.  This is asking for help from a complete stranger.  Someone to judge me and say maybe “Yes you deserve help” or “No you are just lazy”.  I have a lot of guilt over the whole thing.  I am sure my low self-worth colors my opinion but I just don’t feel worthy.  I know they are going to ask me why I feel I deserve it and what am I supposed to say when most days I don’t even feel like I deserve to live?

That concludes my update for the day.  I am trying my best to get back in the swing of things and put my life back on track again, so you’ll be hearing from me on a regular basis.

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