Putting The Pieces Back

It is time to start putting my life back together after my most recent bout with bipolar depression.  I’m tired.  Tired of constructing a life and making so much progress just to have it all fall apart again.  I had friends and goals, the kids were doing great, I had lost 30 pounds and was ready to go back in the work force, I even started an application for Amazon call center.  When I left off my life I had teamed up with a friend to make these cute little signs and advertised on the local military buy/sell/trade pages.  We even did a craft fair in Kentucky that went pretty well.  Then I started losing interest and stopped going to the gym.  I stopped calling my friends, my house got messier and messier so it was humiliating for anyone to come over.  Of course no one understands and the friends are long gone.  Here I sit a 35 year old mother of two living in my mother’s basement again.  My husband is deployed, I have no friends, I regained 20 pounds. I’m not trying to be all woes is me but goddammit, I put a lot of work into that life and then I just let it all go.  I guess that’s what bothers me the most.  It’s my own choices that left it all behind.  I am aware that I need to construct a life that’s easily managed, to use the good times to get ready for the bad times.  Take care of things now for when I can’t.  So when I feel like I can handle some big undertaking, I should step back, re-evaluate if it’s something I can handle doing even when depressed.  The answer is usually going to be no.  The hard part is talking myself down when I am on a high.  There’s nothing like trying to convince a hypo-manic that they can’t do something they want to do. I need a system of checks and balances.  My therapist in Georgia and I were working on just that when I left.  I had a great dr too.  Now I know what it can be like working with a good team I am never going to settle for less than that.  I have an appointment next week to see my PCM and get referrals for all my mental health stuff.  And I am calling referral management to see what happened to my ECT referral.  I’m starting to have goals again, even if they are centered around my health and the kids, it’s still goals, and I am going to try hard not to overextend myself again.

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