Self Care

I have promised myself I will shower today.  I honestly don’t recall the last day I did.  I know it was last week sometime, Monday or Tuesday.  I’m unsure why it is such a problem for me.  I guess you have to care enough to be clean.  Sometimes it just seems overwhelming, the whole process of bathing, the order the steps go in and the things I need to do.  I know to some people this makes no sense, but in my reality bathing can be an insurmountable task.  There have been several times that I know I need to bathe, either on my own or my husband says something, and I walk into the bathroom and just don’t know where to get started, how to pull all the steps together.  Maybe if I wrote out all the steps for those days.  But imagine if someone went into my bathroom and saw my bathtime checklist lol.  Face then pits, check.  You would think a shower would just make me feel better but in actuality sometimes I’m so exhausted afterward I’m useless for the rest of the day.

It is the little things in life that become the big things when struggling with depression.  If I can’t remember my phone number or what year my kids were born, then how can I remember that we pay so and so how much money every what day of the month.  It is ridiculous that I am in charge of the bills in this household.  My husband is so irresponsible with money that the woman threatening a manic shopping spree any moment is in control of the money.  You can imagine the trouble I have gotten us into, I’m sure.  I just recently spent 300$ at walmart and am guilting over it.  I tend to overpay bills as well.  Like if a credit card payment is twenty 5 and I see a bunch of money in the account I’ll feel really good about paying off the balance, then have no gas for two weeks.  There is definitely a bill paying high for me, it feels great to be so responsible and productive, so adult.  Then I have to borrow gas money from my mom.

I thank god everyday for my mom.  She has been so supportive and really been there for me through this.  From plane tickets to dr visits and late night ultrasounds.  All the money she has lent me and I never paid back, and the cars and schooling she has financed.  Her husband too, he has been such a great help and so understanding.  Every time I fall apart and should or would be in a hospital, I have them to come to instead.  Each and every dr asks me why I have never been hospitalized and I say, because of the great support system I have. I am so thankful.  I don’t know how I would be doing so well on my own, I can’t imagine how hard it must be.

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