Sobriety and Lapses

So I am the proud mother of two girls, one is 3 and one is 12.  The past few days have been rough because the 3 yr old has a nasty cold and has been possessed by the snot devil.  This snot devil makes her scream in tongues and causes an hourly temper tantrum about the littlest things.  Two foods touching on her plate when she isn’t going to eat anyway, a pink popsicle instead of purple or my favorite she wants her socks off.  Now it has been a long standing game that she take her own socks off, she is a pro, but the snot devil does not know how to take it’s socks off and wants mommy to do it, right now.  I have been at my wits end, and so tempted to drink.  Now I know about recovery and I know they say you can’t drink, ever, at all, period, end of story.  I watched my mom go through recovery as an alcoholic and absorbed quite a bit during a court mandated outpatient program.  I am an alcoholic and a drug addict.  But I didn’t use AA or NA when I got sober.  I got off of all the drugs but weed when I was still dancing because it was literally killing me, I wasn’t going to make it and I knew it.  While sobering up I remember a couple things like crying on the bathroom floor and clutching a pencil like it was my lifeline.  The shakes and vomiting in the shower, it’s all pretty blurry but I did it on my own.  And a little emotional support from of all people, my drug dealer.  Then I really started drinking heavily, like if I was sober enough to wake up in the middle of the night, I just drank myself back to sleep.  I was usually still drunk even when I woke up in the mornings for work.  But when I got pregnant it all changed.  The day I found out, I had a bloody mary for breakfast and then that was it until I stopped breastfeeding.  Then I toyed with fire a few times.  Right now though, I should be able to say I have been sober for five years, it was almost five years I hadn’t had a drink at all.  Not since starting all these meds.  But the cravings came on this fall with a vengeance, I haven’t wanted to drink so bad since my first year clean.  The night before my husband left for deployment I got a bottle of sparkltini and drank a couple glasses.  I have had a few glasses of wine since and a margarita on new years.  The cravings have passed somewhat.  I felt all those old feelings and I think that served as a reminder as to why I don’t drink anymore.  Feelings like, I can’t drink enough, or I need to drink it faster to get a better buzz, or just one or two more and I’ll feel good enough.  I still want a drink but it’s not all consuming any more, not a physical sensation.  I think it all started back at thanksgiving.  I watched my sister sit down with our family and friends and play cards and have a few, it looked like so much fun, but I was sitting alone with the baby watching tv because there was too much excitement for her to go to bed.  I felt so left out and it added to the emotional disconnect I have always felt.  It seemed like if I could just have a few I would be included in the fun, like I would feel like everyone else.  Drinking a margarita alone on new years does nothing to make you feel like one of the gang.  Lame.  But a screaming baby for 12 hours will make even the most sober of us all want to drink.  I had planned on another margarita, but when the time came to actually drink it, when the baby was out for the night, I was so exhausted I forgot and just went to sleep too.  That’s what makes me think this current round of cravings has passed.  Life has settled down after the move and the deployment, the holidays are over and I am not a raging drunk again, but I won’t be getting a five year chip any time soon.

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