Today’s Thoughts

I made it to the gym today, barely. The little one was up half the night, then we went back to bed and overslept.  I like to be there by 9am but we got there at 1020.  It was a little crowded but I pulled through and worked out anyway.  For some reason nobody is there at 9, well, not nobody, but like three other people.  It is not as if anyone pays any attention to anyone else at the gym, we are all in our own little zones, no eye contact is made.  Just the presence of other people makes me nervous, the unpredictability of social interactions can be terrifying.  I can hold my own with a minimum number of possibilities, but the more people there are, the more my nervousness grows.  Me and crowds don’t mix.  You will never catch me black friday shopping.  I can fake it pretty well, plaster a smile on my face and nod appropriately, even do a little back and forth. “Hi, how are you?”, “Have a nice day”.  Any more depth than that and my  weirdness shows through.  My mind leaps through information and makes associations between things that no one else sees and this sometimes leads to awkward moments when I take the conversation in a direction no one else is following.  I get weird looks and nervous laughs.  I used to obsess about it but now I just kind of roll with it, you either get me or you don’t.  High school was a bitch.

The older I get the more accepting of my own quirks I become. How I ended up with a normal husband is beyond me, but he accepts my quirks as well. If you can call it quirky, maybe I should say faults.   I’m emotionally detached, unaffectionate and a down right selfish lover.  My husband is the picture of normal, jock in high school, has lots of friends, socially comfortable and outgoing, gosh darn it, people like him.  Why he puts up with me I will never understand.  He does though, but there is a gulf between us because of my emotional retardation and selfish ways.  Maybe it’s one sided, maybe he feels that fire and I am missing out.  Someday I may get to the point where I feel a fire again.  Right now I am just comfortable and we have been together so long I will miss him if he goes, when he goes.  I think he will stick it out until the kids graduate at least.  He is a family man at heart, when it’s just me and him again things will be different.  My lack of  emotional availability and ambivalence towards our marriage has done some damage, the years apart have left their mark.  We lead two very different lives but sleep together on occasion.  He says he is happy,  most people wouldn’t be.  Maybe he doesn’t need all the things I think he should need.  I count myself lucky that he stuck with me and stayed faithful when I was such a wreck, I think he imagined I would get better, back to my old self.  The woman he met and fell in love with was hypomanic me, strung out on diet pills and riding the high of being treated solely with antidepressants.  I will never be that woman again, I take medicine to keep it from happening.  The best he can hope for is dysthymic me, what he will probably get is slightly depressed me, with dips into suicidal psychosis and the occasional hospitalization.  I bet he wasn’t thinking of that when he said “Til death do us part”.  I shouldn’t put thoughts in his head or words in his mouth, he hates it when I do that.

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