I knocked out the first three days of this week at the gym, actually went twice on Monday and Wednesday. Just cardio in the afternoons, weight training and cardio in the morning. Tomorrow would be day number four this week, making it a good week for staying on track. But it is 4AM, here I sit and despite what may automatically come to mind, no I’m not manic. My technology obsessed three year old woke up at 3 crying for momma’s phone, wanting to watch youtube videos. Of course everyone else in the house is sleeping because they have jobs and school, so I gave in to this temper tantrum and here I am wondering how I will make it to the gym at the decent hour I usually go. I’m so damn tired. It is not like I only got four hours of sleep or something, I was asleep by 8pm. 6pm being my desired bedtime, but it is frowned upon to go to bed quite so early so I stick it out until 8 most nights. So I sleep from eight to five on weekdays because the bus comes at a god forsaken hour, on weekends I sleep as late as the kids will let me. That’s a healthy nine hours and more on weekends. LOL I nap too. When the kiddo goes down for a nap, I crash too. Every day, at least an hour maybe 2 or 3. That’s 10, 11 or even 12 hours at least. That being said, this is progress. There were a lot of nights last year I couldn’t make it past five o clock in the afternoon. And let’s not forget the couple of years I spent just sleeping all the time. I don’t feel tired for about a four hour stretch in the mornings if I get a good nights sleep, reference above. That’s when I am most productive, do some housework and go to the gym. You would think after the gym I would be energized and productive too, but no. It usually hits on the way home, that craving for sleep. By noon I am back I bed. I have found a loophole in my patterns by using my kids, I signed them up for evening classes at the YMCA four days a week, so I have to get moving and if I am sitting at the gym anyway I can sometimes talk myself into at least the stationary bike for half an hour. That perks me up for the evening and helps me pull through dinner and baths. When eight o clock hits though, I can be found in bed.
I know this desire for sleep is a symptom of my depression and I am so tired of being tired. Everyday I catch myself asking myself, Why am I so tired? It gets on my husband’s nerves, he has no tolerance for it. It is such a strong need for sleep that despite his ire I will toss him the kids and to bed I go. It’s hard with him deployed, no extra sleep for me. I’m exhausted most of the time, just pushing through, yawns and all. I can’t wait until the little one goes to kindergarten so I can sleep all day. What is the appropriate thing to do? It’s a symptom of my illness, so do I fight it or feed it? Does my brain want to sleep because it needs it or is there a chemical imbalance that is making me tired all the time, both. Will the lady at the disability hearing just think I am lazy.
I live on coffee. A pot a day, at least ten cups to get through the morning and then another cup or four in the afternoon. Sometimes I feel my heart fluttering in my chest and I know I’ve overdone it. Does not help my anxiety. Fatigue they call it, but that seems like such a mild word for the all consuming need I have to sleep. Even when I am hypomanic I sleep the traditional eight hours unless it’s really bad. I don’t take anything really sedating right now either. I knew a girl in Kentucky who’s Dr. gave her stimulants, I wonder if anyone would do that for me? Or if that would be a good idea? I’m uber sensitive to most things and it has taken years to build up my tolerance for coffee. Maybe it is time to wean off for a bit and get that good jolt back I used to get from it.