Smoking and Vaping

I can’t stop smoking! I’m having three or four a day when I went months without having one.  I started vaping and converted from cigarettes and was doing so well. I went from two packs a day to no cigarettes for months. I would have the occasional one maybe once a month, but now, now I want them all the time.  I’m wondering if the new vape juice I got just isn’t the same as what I was getting in Georgia, and it definitely doesn’t help that my mom smokes.  When you live with a smoker it is really hard to resist.  They just smell so good, so YUM!  There was actually a time when they tasted bad, but now they are back to tasting good.  If my mouth doesn’t taste like a minty ashtray then I am craving.  My stress level has been pretty high over the past couple of months with moving and the deployment, plus the holidays, but things are settling down, why is it hitting so hard now?

I have a long history of addictive behaviors but cigarettes were one of those things I just gave myself.  When your trying to cut back from a fifth of vodka a day and quit smoking weed the last thing you need is to quit smoking cigarettes too.  At least that’s what I told myself.  Weird things happened to me whenever I quit smoking cigarettes too.  I can relate a severe depressive episode or mixed state to every time I cold turkeyed.  Chantix and wellbutrin made me nuts, like planning my funeral and visual hallucinations.  I guess nicotine effects the same receptors in the brain that antidepressants do and maybe that’s why I lose it when I quit.  The vaping helps because I am still getting nicotine, and I have gradually decreased my nicotine level, spread over two years.  I think I am going to increase the level and bump it up to 18 while I get through this recent bout of cravings, then go back down to 12 again.  It’s also a lifestyle habit for me, like biting my nails or something.  I get satisfaction just from holding it in my hand and blowing smoke.  There is a burning sensation at the back of my throat that I need to feel.  I get those things from vaping, not with one of those little pen-things or e-cigarettes, but a real mod and tank set-up.  It is near my mouth at all times and in my hand or in sight.  My mom calls it my flute because I will just sit there with it in my mouth and my hand daintily holding it.  She quit too by vaping, I’m not  sure what triggered her to smoke again but she is right back to smoking like she was pre-vape.  I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want to go back.  I’m smoking a cigarette right now.  Using a soda can as an ashtray because I don’t even own one anymore.  I’m going to finish this pack and then not buy anymore, that is so easy to say with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.  I used to think it was so cool when people smoked with no hands and I perfected the art.  Now I have a patch of wrinkles on the left side of my mouth that I just know is because that’s where I grip my cigarette with my lips. I don’t want anymore wrinkles, that’s for damn sure.


3 thoughts on “Smoking and Vaping

  1. I’ve been thinking about quitting. But I went and bought 2 packs of smokes this afternoon. I keep telling myself “When this pack is empty”… #thestruggleisreal

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just started a blog about vaping and non-smoking if you would check it out it would be greatly appreciated and if you would follow me that would be even better. I believe you can quit smoking by vaping and I hope you can do it. The last thing you want is wrinkles. That was enough motivation for me, not to mention the fact that cigarettes cost more than vaping. Either way thank you for your inspirational writings. Hope to read more about how you have ultimately quit smoking. 🙂 -bel

    Liked by 1 person

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