Adulting Turned Rant

I have grown up stuff to take care of today and I’m avoiding it.  I need to schedule some appointments and get ahold of the insurance to see what happened to my ECT referral.  It’s not that I don’t want the appointments and I have been waiting with hope for the ECT, I just hate talking on the phone.  My husband usually does all the phone calling but he was a little salty that I had him call a couple places for me the other day.  I know he’s deployed and it is not very convenient for him to do it and I shouldn’t ask.  It was a couple bills that were going to be late and I just can’t deal with people the way he can, especially in that kind of situation.  I either shut down or go off the deep end, I’m having trouble with anger and frustration right now, so my money is on the deep end.

I don’t know why I am so pissed off but my heart is a pit of rage.  It most definitely is a symptom of my depression, I have a long history of using anger as a tool to get through the day.  I thought I had moved passed it, guess not.  Every little thing, I swear if these kids don’t start listening to me I am going to lose my shit.  Fine I’ll get out of bed world, what the fuck ever. Rant over. Nope. Just started!

So this post actually turned into a two page rant over the failings of my sibling relationships.  I deleted it all because, really, who wants to hear about all that baggage?  It’s old baggage I don’t normally dwell on, I’m not sure why it all came out of me yesterday.  A lot of it was stuff from childhood and sharing my teen years with a monster.  I feel over it today.  I did my adulting and got some appointments scheduled and some things turned into more work that I will tackle next adulting day.  Turns out because we switched Tricare regions I have to get an all new ECT referral, so it could be months before I get started with the treatments.  Kind of bummed about that.  I’m going to take care of some more stuff today and get our taxes done.  I have them done at HR Block because they do that Christmas loan every year, they are also going to review all the past years we have done and make sure we weren’t paying double state taxes which happens a lot with military.  It’s funny but when I went in there to do the Christmas loan they gave me a hard time and wouldn’t accept my POA for my husband, a POA that I have used there for seven years.  Then my husband waltzes in and it’s all “Oh, what can we do for you?!” That’s when they volunteered to do a look back.  No matter where we go people who are rude to me always fawn all over my husband.  It happens in checkout lines and at restaurants with the waitresses.  I switched banks because the girls were so rude to me and he walks in and they couldn’t be nicer.  Maybe it’s my resting bitch face or they prey on the weaker of the species. He insisted it was just me but after he saw the way they treated me at the bank he looked a little more closely and he even picks up on it.  For years I just thought it was a symptom of my paranoid mind, but he sees it too.  people love him, people hate me. la di f in da.

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