A Time For Changes

I’m working on improving many aspects of my life right now.  Sitting in front of my sunlight lamp daily, exercising, taking my meds religiously, eating healthier and trying my best just to be a good person.  I have even been bathing on a regular basis.  It is exhausting but I am pushing through.  All this hard work I am putting in and I feel like I need something to show for it.  So I was thinking of a new hair-do!  It has been years since I felt like doing anything with my hair.  It has been in a permanent bun for two years, once it got long enough to put up. I used to be pretty adventurous with my hair, pixies and bobs, perms and even shaved underneath. I want something that will remind me why I am working so hard.  The one hairstyle I have always wanted and that speaks STRENGTH to me is dreadlocks.  Beautiful long ones with colorful synthetics to accent!  I have never been brave enough but I am comfortable enough with myself I feel like I could do it now. I feel like I am up to the work that it takes for a white girl to have dreads. Even my husband is on board.  My mom however is not, no way, will not go out in public with me if I do it.  So disappointing.  As I am currently living in her basement I feel like it would be disrespectful to do it despite the fact that she has made her wishes clear.  But a year from now…wishes can come true.  So I will continue to let my hair grow in preparation for my beautiful long locs.

Hypomania, root of my compulsive decision making.  Does this new decision for a drastic hair re-do come from a true desire or is it just chemicals in my brain making me think something is a great idea when it is actually not something I should do?  It’s very hard to tell.  I feel like my year of growing more length is a good decision, not just because I won’t be in my mother’s house, but also as a cooling off period to make sure it is the right decision.  I need to make more decisions in my life like this.  I never would have done half the crazy shit I have if I had not just dived right in on a whim.  I feel like the image dreadlocks may portray to some people is a burden that is carried by said dreadlocks wearer, whether they care about images or not.  It takes a strong woman to pull it off and I want to be sure I am really that strong all the time and not just temporarily brave enough due to hypomania.  It is so hard for me, myself to identify my own status when caught in the current.  Am I just being a healthier person because it’s the right thing to do, or is it hypomania?  Much like my forays into health food, raw milk and no preservatives I feel like these are good choices manic or not.  But I also have a long history of making horrible life choices while manic and hypomanic.  My long and varied job history and credit report attests to that.  I don’t want to make any more mistakes in my life and taking time on big decisions is probably a good thing.

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