Love Thyself

I love creamer in my coffee, creamer is my weakness.  I’ve weaned off it before and drank my coffee black, but I just can’t seem to do it this time around.  I haven’t had a cigarette in four days, why is that easier?  Maybe after I get some more coffee in me I will want to go to the gym, right now all I can think about is the cleaning I need to do today.  I’m not sore from leg day yesterday and that makes me think that I didn’t push myself hard enough.  I was supposed to go to lemon head’s house today but her kids are sick.  My first instinct is that no, her kids are not sick, I have done something to offend her and she doesn’t want me to come over so she says they are sick.  I honestly don’t know what is reality and what is just in my head.  Maybe she reads my blog and doesn’t like being called lemon head,  I re-read the pamphlet and Young Living girls are called lemon drops I guess.  Maybe the screaming crying tantrum my lil one had before we left turned her off, but isn’t that what family is for? To love you unconditionally, I have always felt that there are conditions.  I have never felt good enough to love.  How do you learn to love yourself to the point that other people should love you too?  How do you take such love for granted? Just get used to it because it is always there?  I walk on eggshells around other people because I don’t want them to revoke their love.  This stems from childhood I am sure.  My sister only loved me under the right conditions.  When will I feel free enough to be myself and confident enough that I will be accepted for myself?  How does one work on self-acceptance and self-esteem.  I do feel I am a valuable lovable person, I just don’t feel like other people see me the same way.  I feel unworthy of such unconditional love.  I wonder if this is something you work on with a good therapist, or do I chant mantras in the mirror at myself?  I am absolutely sure that my low self-esteem comes from M’s abuses of me as a kid.  She was only nice to me when it suited her, she terrorized me, made me eat dog poop to get her to play with me, made me do unspeakable things at times.  If she thinks I don’t remember she has another thing coming.  She will be judged one day and that satisfies me on some level.  Meanwhile I am here, mucking my way through life, with all this baggage.

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