Time for this deployment has been ticking by so slowly, spring is slow in coming and I have been trying to keep from dwelling on it too much. If I could just get out and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine for multiple days in a row, I know I would feel rejuvenated. Spending my time cooped up indoors for the winter is not making the separation from my husband go any faster. I have been keeping busy with my aromatherapy studies and getting out into the world more, though I haven’t made it to the gym lately. I have neither gained nor lost anymore weight. Ho-hum. I haven’t exactly been making any effort.
I spend the majority of my time glued to the computer setting up the Etsy shop and a Facebook group for my latest endeavor. My therapist said it’s normal that I would develop these fascinations, but only unhealthy if they get out of control. That’s my problem, each and every one has been all consuming at one point or another. All I can think about, I can’t stand to be doing anything else. Right now essential oils, who knows what’s next. Hopefully something healthy and cheap. How about clean eating and exercise? Not that I want to be going through the cupboards at 4am throwing out everything with preservatives again, but a nice and reasonable healthy lifestyle. How do I stop the loop in my brain that gets stuck on just one thing? How do I keep from being consumed? It feels so good and exciting, like the high of a drug. Maybe that’s what it comes down to, the high of learning something new and all the possibilities it creates. I’m an addict at heart, maybe I am addicted to this high I get from these fascinations. How do I stop? Recognizing it is one thing, but controlling it, stopping the unhealthy behavior, that’s another. I want to follow through on this aromatherapy thing. I feel like if I keep up with it and take advantage of the initial high of the newness of it all, I could have a solid foundation to base my future in aromatherapy on. This is false thinking, part of the disease. I’m convincing myself to do things the way I have always done, and how never works out. So what is the right path? Take it slow. Take a deep breath and step back. Look at the big picture, nothing is urgent, it all doesn’t have to be done right now. Enjoy the journey. Life is all about the journey, not the end of the path. How on earth do I take my black or white, all or nothing personality and convert to an even keel? How do I change years of warped perceptions and drug addled thinking, how do I be normal? Is my biochemically defective brain capable of such change. I have got to reign myself in and pace myself.
I’m looking forward to discussing these things with my new therapist, he seems to have good insight. I have an appointment Wednesday, bright and early. I also had some blood work and an EKG done preliminarily to being seen at the ECT place. Hopefully it all comes back quickly and I hear from them soon. My fear of rejection is out of control when I let myself dwell on the process this is and all the potential reasons for not being a candidate. Rejection is heavy on me right now because of the upcoming disability hearing as well. I just keep telling myself that it will be denied, it was worth a try, to make the blow a little easier to take when it comes. The chances of it working out are so slim, I can’t afford to get my hopes up. The desperation I was experiencing when I first applied has passed, I’m much more stable now. Working a normal, lucrative job is out of the question, and I can thank much of my current stability on the fact that my stress load is so greatly reduced by not working. Disability or no, I’m not going to do that to myself, I’ll just be a broke ass crazy lady.