Impending Doom

If you suffer from anxiety, you’ve heard the term.  A feeling of impending doom, as if something terrible is about to happen, but you don’t know what.  It’s like that feeling you get when you’ve forgotten something, multiplied by ten thousand. I have that feeling more and more as it comes closer to the date for my disability hearing.  Do I go in unwashed and drool occasionally, should I dress up, dress medium?  What exactly is going to happen, will they reject me gently or laugh in my face.  Should I go ahead and apply at McDonalds, knowing full well I can’t handle it?  What will I do if I’m denied? Which let’s face it, what are the chances I’ll win?  I’m an able body most days, I could break rocks in the gravel pit.  I’m an emotional basket case, but the rocks won’t care.  If I wasn’t so damn out of shape from years of depression, manual labor could be an option, but I’ve only recently lost enough weight to assuage my chronic low back pain. I’m just getting into the rhythm of being up and moving again.  

I used to watch this TV show about a medical examiner, she had a case where someone’s bowels ruptured, gross, but no one could figure out why he was so constipated he burst inside.  Turns out he was so depressed he couldn’t get out of bed and go to the bathroom and it just kind of built up over time.  Can you imagine if that guy had snapped out of it pre-rupture, how much shit he would have to deal with to get back to normal?  That’s me, dealing with the shit I created while depressed.  My huge ass, my inability to remember to bathe, the fear that has grown of other people and the damage they can do to my delicate psyche.  For gods sake I have a 3ft by 5ft checklist in my living room reminding me to brush my teeth and put a bra on, no joke. Its huge, and mortifying if someone comes over.  Not that I get a lot of visitors being as everyone in your life kind of falls away when you stop answering their phone calls.  I’m putting back the pieces of a normal life, purging all the shit that built up, all the bad habits.  Maybe I’ll get back to a place where I  can work, right now I just want to be presentable in public.  

And then I go and develop fascinations or intense interest in things, usually things I can do in short bursts of intensity.  They don’t last, I get discouraged if something doesn’t go right or if the gratification isn’t immediate enough.  I lose interest without the high I get in the beginning.  I am an addict at heart, chasing an elephant or rabbit or something.  I get such a buzz learning something new, but when its not exciting anymore it falls by the wayside.  Bad form Kristine, bad form.  

I’m sticking with this aromatherapy thing though, so far.  I’m making the aromatherapy jewelry and not selling a damn thing.  I closed the website on shopify, sticking with the etsy shop, I guess because that’s the platform I know.  I’ll sell a damn necklace if it kills me. we will see if that link works. I’m slowly studying each oil in the Aromahead course and posting to my Facebook page daily a little piktochart of the oil of the day.  Advertising my wares and such.  I even hopped on the Instagram train.  It’s keeping me busy at least.  I guess that’s important, not letting myself go stagnant again.  I guess that’s my biggest fear, losing interest in life again, I don’t want to feel like that again.  That’s why it’s so important to me to break these patterns that developed over the stagnant years. Swamplike.  Like walking through a swamp, navigating what has become of my life.  Shit dragging me down,  Gotta fight, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.


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