Just Me Whining

Krissy wissy pissy is what my mom and sister called me as a kid.  Anytime I was sad or angry they would mock me with this in a little sing song voice.  I can hear it clear as day still and I’m 36 in may.  My suppression of my emotions started then I am sure.  It wasn’t okay for me to be anything but happy, and crying just created an opening for my sadistic sister to get her claws in.  Any sign of weakness on my part was a major mistake.  Nobody likes being made fun of, especially not a tender hearted kid. I had an epiphany today.  I realized that my feelings of inadequacy and my inability to express my feelings come from my mother.  Nothing I do is ever good enough and my emotions are wrong.  I don’t want to be one of those people that blame all my problems on my parents, but god damn I am one screwed up person. The epiphany happened today in the midst of an argument with my mother.  I have been feeling better than I have felt in years, but only temporarily slightly hypomanic from a recent med change.  After being down for years,  I’ve been working on putting my life back together and keeping a cleaner house is one of the things I’m working on.  I’ve got this big whiteboard on the wall with a checklist of things I want to do daily, like showering, brushing my teeth, and cleaning up is on there.  I had a good week and cleaned all but one day.  I felt a sense of accomplishment and that progress had been made.  Well not enough according to my mother, apparently I am not trying hard enough and she can’t deal with my slovenly ways.  I’m causing her depression.  Then, when I express my feelings, like inadequacy she accuses me of being defensive and self pitying.  She actually mocked me and said “Oh, woes is me I have to clean”.  Real mature mom.  She then proceeded to throw a pair of shoes and have a pity party for herself.  So I was completely unable to express how what she was saying affected me and was told what a drag I am for having a messy house.  Keep in mind I have two kids and my husband is deployed, so I have no backup.  It’s strange how little her tirade really hurt me, in the past I would have been a wreck, sobbing and depressed.  Of course my feelings were hurt, but something was different, I realised that it wasn’t all my fault.  It wasn’t a failure on my part, I AM doing better, I AM making progress.  The entire argument was started about my messy house, but it was really about her disappointment in me as a person,  I will never be able to please her and I’ll never be good enough.  That is not something I can change, its out of my control. As long as I feel like things are improving, and as long as I keep trying, and checking off my list, that’s good enough for me, and that’s all that matters.  Me, I matter, and I am good enough, not for her, but I can’t change that. My feelings are real.  It’s OK to feel the things I feel.  My reality is my perception of my environment, and my perception matters.  My point of view and my feelings are real and valid.  I don’t need someone else to tell me how I SHOULD feel, I need to get in touch with how I really do feel.  I’ve spent so many years feeling guilty about my own emotions that it is going to be quite the journey getting to know myself and learning how to feel what I really feel.  Feeling the emotions that other people have imposed on me has gotten me nowhere. Emotions in general, other than feigned happiness are elusive to me, because they have never in my life been validated. So I’ll validate them myself.

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